I am so sick of the fact that the word victim has such negative connotations when it comes to people who have been raped or sexually abused, or lived with child abuse or domestic violence. My dictionary defines victim as "a sufferer from any destructive, injurious, or adverse action or agency." It doesn't say "....any destructive, injurious, or adverse action except for rape, sexual assault, child abuse or domestic violence." So why do we have such a hard time accepting that those of us who have experienced such things are NOT weak if we refer to ourselves as victims instead of survivors?
I believe it is because to be a victim is to essentially be a passive participant in these crimes, and that is seen as unacceptable. The verb of victim is victimise, and that is something that is done to us. The verb of survivor is survive, something that is seen as being an action we do ourselves. Passive participants in rape, sexual assault, child abuse and domestic violence are seen as weak, unable or unwilling to protect themselves, and therefore seen as bearing some level of responsiblity for what happened to them. Why else would the commonly heard questions about these crimes be directed at the victim's actions or inactions rather than the perpetrators?
Yet the same standards aren't applied to victims of other crimes. It is perfectly acceptable to be a victim of a hit-and-run, or of a bag snatch, or even of a mugging or random assault. Their passivity isn't disparaged. Their actions or inaction isn't studied under a microscope to ensure that they are worthy of our sympathy. We don't demand of them a certain level of sobriety, a particular mode of dress, an instant telling of what has occurred to someone, within minutes of it occurring. We don't expect them to define themselves as survivors just so as they can be seen as almost normal people recovering from something horrible.
So, I am reclaiming the word victim, in its truest sense. I have been a victim of rape and sexual assault, more than once. It does not mean that I am weak. It does not mean that I am fishing for sympathy. It does not mean that I am looking for special treatment. It does not mean that I am not a capable, intelligent, mostly happy human being with dreams, ideals, likes and dislikes. It simply means that I have been victimised by another person or people, in a situation in which I had no control. Yes, I survived and therefore can also be called a survivor. But it does not take away the fact that I have been a victim, and that it wasn't my fault.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
I know what I know but what if it's wrong?
I am feeling exceptionally frustrated with uni at the moment. My field placement is happening but I am still unsure how I am feeling about it. And as for my Issues of Protection unit....argh!
I guess the biggest issue at the moment really is the Protection unit stuff. Last week's topic was Family Violence (the name the uni chooses to use for domestic violence or intimate partner violence). Now this isn't something I know nothing about. Learning more about DV has been a natural extension of my quest to find more about IPSV. So I went into the topic feeling pretty confident about my level of knowledge. Yet by today I am questioning all of that knowledge.
Part of the problem is the text book. The section on family violence shows a clear bias towards the "women are as violent as men" school of thought. This doesn't sit well with me as it goes against the majority of academic research about DV. I have also read more than one article about why the studies that lead to that conclusion need to be taken with a humongous grain of salt (many use the Conflict Tactics Scale which makes no differentiation between severity of violence or attack and defence). Yet this is in the text book we are using and we have not been given anything to balance it out. Nor is there any mention about the fact that this point of view does not reflect the majority of academic research on DV.
So that was the first thing that really got my back up. Then there was the reading on substance abuse and family violence. Whoever wrote that presented a very weak argument for his point of view (being that family violence and substance abuse are linked). He quoted general statistics (26% of children from an alcoholic home are victims of sexual violence) but made no effort to explain the findings he used. For example, if this information came from a study about children who have come to the attention of protection authorities then we would expect that the number of children abused would be higher than general population prevalence studies. We are also not given a figure of how many families or abused children were included in the study. If it was only 100 then a 3-4% difference between that figures and the standard ones used about sexual abuse (1 in 3 girls, 1 in 10 boys = approx 21.5%) isn't that big. (Of course both statistics are horrifying).
So that article didn't do much to endear me either. So far less than impressed with the reading material for the unit.
Then comes the discussion forum. Each week we do one of these. Well if the readings horrified me then this outright shocked me. We were given a case study to respond to. The case was a married woman with two kids ringing a crisis line to find out if what is happening in her marriage is normal (deja vu much. I remember wondering the same thing). She says that she doesn't get black eyes but is pushed and shoved by her partner, verbally abused and threatened. She also says that she and the children make an effort "not to upset daddy." The woman has raised her concerns with both her husbands shrink and a minister and both time basically been told she is misreading things and needs to take the good with the bad. So anyway, we had to name the types of abuse she is suffering (physical, verbal, emotional/psychological), comment on the appropriateness of the responses she had received (completely inappropriate) and then spell out what we would say to her (name abuse, ask about immediate safety, offer info on support services). I was pretty happy with my responses and thought that I had done well with them. Indeed I haven't received any dissenting opinions on my comments. But the responses of some of the other students really shocks me. Basically saying that there isn't enough info to define they types of abuse, that what she says should be taken with a grain of salt, that the emphasis should be on assisting the family to stay together.
Now, I don't think I proposed immediate separation and divorce proceedings in what I said. My point was to give the woman the knowledge to name what is happening to her and some resources to help her cope and decide what to do. At all times I emphasised her safety. One of the other respondents made the point that the male brain chemistry is different to the female brain and it is normal for a man to be upset with his wife and kids at times. He said outright that any woman who disagreed with him believed that all men are evil. Another person tried to write everything off as a possible clash of cultural ideals, although we were given no information about the cultural background of the woman. I am shocked at this type of attitude and am honestly scared for the future clients of the people who responded in this way.
The whole lot of this stuff combined really has me questioning my knowledge. Not my knowledge about what happened to me. That I know I am secure about. But my academic knowledge. Have I not been reading widely enough? Am I being brainwashed by the feminist side of he argument? I am reasonably sure in answering both of those questions as no. But that leads me to wonder about the quality of the education I am getting when the readings suck so badly and the other students can be so damn ignorant of the dynamics of DV and the accepted safe way of doing things (one person suggested one on one counselling for the woman but to bring the rest of the family into it over time. Couples counselling in cases where there is DV is a big no-no if the violence is still occurring).
Basically I am left with a really bad taste in my mouth about the whole thing and am seriously wondering if I have misplaced my passion. I wish there was somebody I could really sit down and discuss this with but I wouldn't know how to bring it up. It seems kind of a petty thing to have me so riles and fucking confused.
I guess the biggest issue at the moment really is the Protection unit stuff. Last week's topic was Family Violence (the name the uni chooses to use for domestic violence or intimate partner violence). Now this isn't something I know nothing about. Learning more about DV has been a natural extension of my quest to find more about IPSV. So I went into the topic feeling pretty confident about my level of knowledge. Yet by today I am questioning all of that knowledge.
Part of the problem is the text book. The section on family violence shows a clear bias towards the "women are as violent as men" school of thought. This doesn't sit well with me as it goes against the majority of academic research about DV. I have also read more than one article about why the studies that lead to that conclusion need to be taken with a humongous grain of salt (many use the Conflict Tactics Scale which makes no differentiation between severity of violence or attack and defence). Yet this is in the text book we are using and we have not been given anything to balance it out. Nor is there any mention about the fact that this point of view does not reflect the majority of academic research on DV.
So that was the first thing that really got my back up. Then there was the reading on substance abuse and family violence. Whoever wrote that presented a very weak argument for his point of view (being that family violence and substance abuse are linked). He quoted general statistics (26% of children from an alcoholic home are victims of sexual violence) but made no effort to explain the findings he used. For example, if this information came from a study about children who have come to the attention of protection authorities then we would expect that the number of children abused would be higher than general population prevalence studies. We are also not given a figure of how many families or abused children were included in the study. If it was only 100 then a 3-4% difference between that figures and the standard ones used about sexual abuse (1 in 3 girls, 1 in 10 boys = approx 21.5%) isn't that big. (Of course both statistics are horrifying).
So that article didn't do much to endear me either. So far less than impressed with the reading material for the unit.
Then comes the discussion forum. Each week we do one of these. Well if the readings horrified me then this outright shocked me. We were given a case study to respond to. The case was a married woman with two kids ringing a crisis line to find out if what is happening in her marriage is normal (deja vu much. I remember wondering the same thing). She says that she doesn't get black eyes but is pushed and shoved by her partner, verbally abused and threatened. She also says that she and the children make an effort "not to upset daddy." The woman has raised her concerns with both her husbands shrink and a minister and both time basically been told she is misreading things and needs to take the good with the bad. So anyway, we had to name the types of abuse she is suffering (physical, verbal, emotional/psychological), comment on the appropriateness of the responses she had received (completely inappropriate) and then spell out what we would say to her (name abuse, ask about immediate safety, offer info on support services). I was pretty happy with my responses and thought that I had done well with them. Indeed I haven't received any dissenting opinions on my comments. But the responses of some of the other students really shocks me. Basically saying that there isn't enough info to define they types of abuse, that what she says should be taken with a grain of salt, that the emphasis should be on assisting the family to stay together.
Now, I don't think I proposed immediate separation and divorce proceedings in what I said. My point was to give the woman the knowledge to name what is happening to her and some resources to help her cope and decide what to do. At all times I emphasised her safety. One of the other respondents made the point that the male brain chemistry is different to the female brain and it is normal for a man to be upset with his wife and kids at times. He said outright that any woman who disagreed with him believed that all men are evil. Another person tried to write everything off as a possible clash of cultural ideals, although we were given no information about the cultural background of the woman. I am shocked at this type of attitude and am honestly scared for the future clients of the people who responded in this way.
The whole lot of this stuff combined really has me questioning my knowledge. Not my knowledge about what happened to me. That I know I am secure about. But my academic knowledge. Have I not been reading widely enough? Am I being brainwashed by the feminist side of he argument? I am reasonably sure in answering both of those questions as no. But that leads me to wonder about the quality of the education I am getting when the readings suck so badly and the other students can be so damn ignorant of the dynamics of DV and the accepted safe way of doing things (one person suggested one on one counselling for the woman but to bring the rest of the family into it over time. Couples counselling in cases where there is DV is a big no-no if the violence is still occurring).
Basically I am left with a really bad taste in my mouth about the whole thing and am seriously wondering if I have misplaced my passion. I wish there was somebody I could really sit down and discuss this with but I wouldn't know how to bring it up. It seems kind of a petty thing to have me so riles and fucking confused.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Rights and Responsibilities
When I was in high school it was made very clear to us, as students, that we had certain rights. It was also made clear that alongside those rights we had certain responsibilites. From what I have seen of my children's school it is much the same there. What is sad is that it doesn't seem to translate to humanity in general.
We hear much about rights. Human rights, men's rights, prisoner's rights, women's rights. But maybe it's about time that the responsibilities that go with those rights are clearly articulated. For example:
Right: To live free of violence
Responsibility: Not to be violent to others
Right: To be treated humanely.
Responsibility: To treat all others humanely.
Rights are all well and good but unless they are tied to responsibilities then they are next to meaningless. One example I have seen recently is a commentator on an Opinion e-newspaper. He rabbits on about the evil of feminism and how it's destroying the world and how men's rights groups are the only ones to have it right. But never does he mention the responsibilities that men have. It is like a little kid who wants everything and won't shre. One of his favourite hobby-horses is the evils of the Family Law Act, in regards to fathers (leading many other commentators to speculate that he has been done over by that system). He talks about the rights of fathers to know their children, to have equal access and time with their children. Nowhere does he mention the children's rights to live free of fear and intimidation, to have a stable and happy life. Nor does he mention the responsibilities men have regarding their children. That responsibility does not start and end with paying child support, as so many think it does (Not all. There are many men who fight not just their rights but their responsibilities). There is a responsibility to treat your children as people in their own right, not as extensions of themselves. There is a responsibility to provide for your children, beyond what is required in child support. That means a safe environment to go to when with their fathers, proper meals and other requirements when they are with their father (clothes, shoes, entertainment). There is a responsibility to ensure your children's safety. This can range from ensuring they have proper safety equipment for activities they my do with the father, such as bike riding, to ensuring that they get sufficient sleep, are not around illegal drug use and are not taken to places where their physical and emotional safety may be put at risk. It should go without saying that these responsibilities belong to BOTH parents, however it often doesn't seem to be the case.
A mother also has many responsibilities. One of those, as put forward in the Family Law Act is to be a "friendly"parent. While friendly parent provisions apply to both parents, in cases where 50/50 shared care is not in place the onus is on the parent who has physical custody of the children for the greater proportion of time. This generally means the mother. Friendly Parent provisions require parents to facilitate and encourage the children's relationship with the other parent, regardless of any safety issues to themselves or the children. It is a part of the Act that is very open to mainpulation as it does not take much to paint one parent as being "unfriendly" to the other.
To get back on track.....
Maybe it is time we all stopped putting our rights to the front and centre and looked instead at our responsibilities. I believe that if we all met our responsibilities, as implied by our rights, then the world would be a safer, happier place.
We hear much about rights. Human rights, men's rights, prisoner's rights, women's rights. But maybe it's about time that the responsibilities that go with those rights are clearly articulated. For example:
Right: To live free of violence
Responsibility: Not to be violent to others
Right: To be treated humanely.
Responsibility: To treat all others humanely.
Rights are all well and good but unless they are tied to responsibilities then they are next to meaningless. One example I have seen recently is a commentator on an Opinion e-newspaper. He rabbits on about the evil of feminism and how it's destroying the world and how men's rights groups are the only ones to have it right. But never does he mention the responsibilities that men have. It is like a little kid who wants everything and won't shre. One of his favourite hobby-horses is the evils of the Family Law Act, in regards to fathers (leading many other commentators to speculate that he has been done over by that system). He talks about the rights of fathers to know their children, to have equal access and time with their children. Nowhere does he mention the children's rights to live free of fear and intimidation, to have a stable and happy life. Nor does he mention the responsibilities men have regarding their children. That responsibility does not start and end with paying child support, as so many think it does (Not all. There are many men who fight not just their rights but their responsibilities). There is a responsibility to treat your children as people in their own right, not as extensions of themselves. There is a responsibility to provide for your children, beyond what is required in child support. That means a safe environment to go to when with their fathers, proper meals and other requirements when they are with their father (clothes, shoes, entertainment). There is a responsibility to ensure your children's safety. This can range from ensuring they have proper safety equipment for activities they my do with the father, such as bike riding, to ensuring that they get sufficient sleep, are not around illegal drug use and are not taken to places where their physical and emotional safety may be put at risk. It should go without saying that these responsibilities belong to BOTH parents, however it often doesn't seem to be the case.
A mother also has many responsibilities. One of those, as put forward in the Family Law Act is to be a "friendly"parent. While friendly parent provisions apply to both parents, in cases where 50/50 shared care is not in place the onus is on the parent who has physical custody of the children for the greater proportion of time. This generally means the mother. Friendly Parent provisions require parents to facilitate and encourage the children's relationship with the other parent, regardless of any safety issues to themselves or the children. It is a part of the Act that is very open to mainpulation as it does not take much to paint one parent as being "unfriendly" to the other.
To get back on track.....
Maybe it is time we all stopped putting our rights to the front and centre and looked instead at our responsibilities. I believe that if we all met our responsibilities, as implied by our rights, then the world would be a safer, happier place.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Those special fears
Many survivors of trauma, all sorts of trauma, have special fears, or triggers. Sometimes, often they are related directly to the traumatic even. Other times it could be something on the periphery of the event, a smell, another event, a taste. Just.....something. These special fear, triggers, can cause a resurgence of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and can bring about feelings of reliving the trauma. They are not always particularly logical, nor can the actual trigger always be worked out.
My trigger is bushfires. I know nobody likes bushfires, except maybe an arsonist. I know that they make a lot of peoples blood run cold. They do that to me but they also do so much more. They return me to the place of being a terrified child. Scared, confused, and feeling very alone. It took me a long time to work out this trigger. Before that being even 100kms of a bushfire would send me into near panic. My heart would race, I would plan packing the car and evacuating, I would have an overwhelming urge to run. I knew it wasn't terribly logical but it was always there. Always. During Summer I would would obsessively check the CFA or RFS websites (depending on what state I was living/visiting at the time). I had to know exactly what was happening. I have managed to curb those behaviours but the anxiety and tension that fill me at the very thought of bushfires is still very much alive.
Looking back I can see those trigger responses occurring over many years. Ash Wednesday is a big one. I couldn't take any enjoyment out of the strange and rather beautiful sunrises or sunsets. I couldn't make myself stand outside at night and watch the far away glow of the fires. I was not quite 13 and absolutely terrified. I never told anypne about it, although I know some saw it in me. I didn't understand it myself at the time. All I knew was that bushfires equalled terror and danger to my personal safety. It has happened again and again over the years. The fear, consuming my every waking thought. The Alpine fires in 2003 was another bad one. The smoke was everywhere. I seemed to spend half my life monitoring St John Ambulance units as they made their way through our patch of radio communications area. And I had to face my ex going near the fires. Not close close, but close enough to scare the absolute shit out of. I lived in a state of terror for weeks.
Last year I figured out the source of this trigger. On a family holiday in the Summer of 1980/81 I was sexually assaulted by a distant relative. It wasn't a personally life threatening event and I really don't remember my emotional response to it, or indeed a lot of details about the event. In times gone past I considered it a bit of a non-event. It happened, it was wrong, I couldn't do anything to change it so why even think about it. I never connected it to a lot of things that happened in later life and I certainly never connected it to bushfires. Why would I? I mean, it isn't like it happened in the middle of a fire or anything. But the fire trigger is there. You see, during the same family holiday during which I was assaulted, but at a different location, there were bushfires nearby. And they terrified me. They weren't terribly close to where we were staying but they were close to some of my Mum's family. I was to spend a night there, playing with my younger second cousin. At some point I became hysterical about the fires, which still weren't terribly close and were certainly not a direct threat. I would say it was my first panic attack. I had to be taken back to where my family was camping, in the middle of the night. Other things happened during that holiday. One of Mum's cousins ahd all his camping gear stolen while he was out fighting the fires. My sister was staying with the relatives nearby and heard on the radio that the whole town where they lived had been wiped out in the fire (it hadn't but hey, it was still on the radio).
So that is my trigger, my special fear. Bushfires can make me have panic attacks. I no longer read about them or watch the news during bushfire season. Ignorance, in this case, truly is bliss. I am aware at some point I am going to have to deal with it. I need to take the sting, the power, away from it. I need to take it back for me and so I don't pass this horrible fear on to my children.
If you she someone having what you believe is a completely irrational, over-the-top response to something, don't automatically assume that they are a bit loopy or are just over reacting. It maybe they have crossed paths with one of their triggers and are back in the place of trauma. If you can sit with them, be there, listen if they want to talk and, most importantly, don't judge. One day it could be you.
My trigger is bushfires. I know nobody likes bushfires, except maybe an arsonist. I know that they make a lot of peoples blood run cold. They do that to me but they also do so much more. They return me to the place of being a terrified child. Scared, confused, and feeling very alone. It took me a long time to work out this trigger. Before that being even 100kms of a bushfire would send me into near panic. My heart would race, I would plan packing the car and evacuating, I would have an overwhelming urge to run. I knew it wasn't terribly logical but it was always there. Always. During Summer I would would obsessively check the CFA or RFS websites (depending on what state I was living/visiting at the time). I had to know exactly what was happening. I have managed to curb those behaviours but the anxiety and tension that fill me at the very thought of bushfires is still very much alive.
Looking back I can see those trigger responses occurring over many years. Ash Wednesday is a big one. I couldn't take any enjoyment out of the strange and rather beautiful sunrises or sunsets. I couldn't make myself stand outside at night and watch the far away glow of the fires. I was not quite 13 and absolutely terrified. I never told anypne about it, although I know some saw it in me. I didn't understand it myself at the time. All I knew was that bushfires equalled terror and danger to my personal safety. It has happened again and again over the years. The fear, consuming my every waking thought. The Alpine fires in 2003 was another bad one. The smoke was everywhere. I seemed to spend half my life monitoring St John Ambulance units as they made their way through our patch of radio communications area. And I had to face my ex going near the fires. Not close close, but close enough to scare the absolute shit out of. I lived in a state of terror for weeks.
Last year I figured out the source of this trigger. On a family holiday in the Summer of 1980/81 I was sexually assaulted by a distant relative. It wasn't a personally life threatening event and I really don't remember my emotional response to it, or indeed a lot of details about the event. In times gone past I considered it a bit of a non-event. It happened, it was wrong, I couldn't do anything to change it so why even think about it. I never connected it to a lot of things that happened in later life and I certainly never connected it to bushfires. Why would I? I mean, it isn't like it happened in the middle of a fire or anything. But the fire trigger is there. You see, during the same family holiday during which I was assaulted, but at a different location, there were bushfires nearby. And they terrified me. They weren't terribly close to where we were staying but they were close to some of my Mum's family. I was to spend a night there, playing with my younger second cousin. At some point I became hysterical about the fires, which still weren't terribly close and were certainly not a direct threat. I would say it was my first panic attack. I had to be taken back to where my family was camping, in the middle of the night. Other things happened during that holiday. One of Mum's cousins ahd all his camping gear stolen while he was out fighting the fires. My sister was staying with the relatives nearby and heard on the radio that the whole town where they lived had been wiped out in the fire (it hadn't but hey, it was still on the radio).
So that is my trigger, my special fear. Bushfires can make me have panic attacks. I no longer read about them or watch the news during bushfire season. Ignorance, in this case, truly is bliss. I am aware at some point I am going to have to deal with it. I need to take the sting, the power, away from it. I need to take it back for me and so I don't pass this horrible fear on to my children.
If you she someone having what you believe is a completely irrational, over-the-top response to something, don't automatically assume that they are a bit loopy or are just over reacting. It maybe they have crossed paths with one of their triggers and are back in the place of trauma. If you can sit with them, be there, listen if they want to talk and, most importantly, don't judge. One day it could be you.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Perfection.....Pt 2
Okay, so I am starting to work on my perfectionism issues. I need to beat this beast back and take control of my life. But self-dobt is already starting to creep back in. I feel like I have picked the worst possible time to do this.
This year for uni I am doing my Field Education units. The last compulsory units I have for my degree. So I have to get out there and actually be around people. This is terrifying. For a start it means that my uni world will no longer revolve around my computer and a pile of books. I have to get out of my comfort zone and actually be around people. That is a really scary thought for me. i am used to all my uni stuff being nicely contained. Secondly, it is inevitable that I am going to not know what to do and to make mistakes. For me these things are.....terrifying. Uncertainty, being less than perfect, they make my skin crawl and I actually feel like I am going to throw up on the keyboard just thinking about them.
I guess in some ways it is a good thing that I am being forced out of my comfort zone. Knowing I am likely to feel lost and uncertain about things means I can prepare for them and start now at being kind to myself about it. Nobody at my host organisation is going to expect me to know everything. They are going to expect me to feel unsure and anxious. I just have to learn to sit with those feelings and not beat myself up for them. Maybe I need to create some strategies for dealing with it in myself. Hmmm...I will have to think about that one.
But in the meantime I am going to try and start by catching the negative self-talk that I seem to engage in so often. No more berrating myself when I make a mistake. I am not stupid or an idiot when I do, I have just made a mistake. Easy to say but I have a feeling it will be a lot harder to put into action.
This year for uni I am doing my Field Education units. The last compulsory units I have for my degree. So I have to get out there and actually be around people. This is terrifying. For a start it means that my uni world will no longer revolve around my computer and a pile of books. I have to get out of my comfort zone and actually be around people. That is a really scary thought for me. i am used to all my uni stuff being nicely contained. Secondly, it is inevitable that I am going to not know what to do and to make mistakes. For me these things are.....terrifying. Uncertainty, being less than perfect, they make my skin crawl and I actually feel like I am going to throw up on the keyboard just thinking about them.
I guess in some ways it is a good thing that I am being forced out of my comfort zone. Knowing I am likely to feel lost and uncertain about things means I can prepare for them and start now at being kind to myself about it. Nobody at my host organisation is going to expect me to know everything. They are going to expect me to feel unsure and anxious. I just have to learn to sit with those feelings and not beat myself up for them. Maybe I need to create some strategies for dealing with it in myself. Hmmm...I will have to think about that one.
But in the meantime I am going to try and start by catching the negative self-talk that I seem to engage in so often. No more berrating myself when I make a mistake. I am not stupid or an idiot when I do, I have just made a mistake. Easy to say but I have a feeling it will be a lot harder to put into action.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Letting go of perfectionism
I am a perfectionist. I always have been. I honestly believed it was hard wired into my brain, that that was how I had to be. It doesn't extend to all areas of my life (anyone who has seen my house can attest to that) but is a prominant part of my public life. I have to be seen as achieving the most, being if not the best then pretty damn close. But no more. I am not saying it is going to be easy. As I said, it has been a part of me for a very long time.
I believe my drive for public perfectionism stems from my childhood. I was told over and over that I wasn't as thin, as pretty, as flexible, as.......whatever, as my sister. The only thing I had on my side was that I was smart. Very smart. Gifted some said. Add to this I was held up to very high standards. If I got 19 out of 20 in a maths test the parental response wasn't "Well done." but rather "What happened to number 20?" So learned very early that anything less than 100% was not good enough, and I stored that in my head, made it a part of me.
This bent for perfection has been known to frustrate me more than a little, and others a heck of a lot more. It makes me driven and hard to be around. It makes me doubt myself and my knowledge. It makes me doubt my ability to succeed. I panic over uni assignments andconstantly have people telling me "You'll be right." They are right but it doesn't help at the time. When I hear that I feel that my fears aren't being heard, that I am not being heard. And I wonder how people will react if I fail, how disappointed in me they will be. I hang so much of my self-worth on my success that I wonder if failure will make people think less of me, hate me even. I know that isn't terribly logical but I can't help it. It drives me and those around me crazy.
Yesterday I came across the works of a woman by the name of Dr Brene Brown. She is an American shame researcher (sounds kind of wierd but hey). This is her WEBSITE. Well, talk about knocking all my assumptions on their collective arse, and me too. She talks about the need for vulnerability to enable connection, and how connection is vital in life. She talks about how shame holds us back in so many ways. And she talks about how perfectionism, not healthy striving, is a defence system, allowing us to present the picture to the world that we think others expect to see. I am in the process of getting her books because I think they will be very helpful for me.
So, perfectionism....hmmmm. I do use it as a defence, but it has beome a monster in it's own right, controlling me and my life. I can understand why it has such a strong hold on me. For so much of my life I haven't wanted people to see the real me out of fear that they simply won't like who I am. Not a great way to be at any age but I am 40 now. I have survived multiple traumas in my life, I am a good parent (most of the time) and I am living an independent life. It is time I started working on that demon on my back that drives me so damn hard that I truly feel my sanity slip at times. And if people don't like the real me....well, maybe that is their problem, not mine.
I don't expect this to be an easy fight. It is so simple to slip back into the habit of driving myself beyond the point of all reason because that is how I have done it for so long. I am hoping to get back in touch with my psychologist and see if this is something I can work on her with her. And I am going to try setting myself a few ground rules; like not checking obsessively for assignment results. Most of all I am hoping that I can lean on my friends a bit. When I start obsessing I hope they will slap me upside the head (figuratively) and remind me that I am a good person and even if I did fail an assignment it wouldn't be the end of the world. Who knows, I might even come out of this battle the victor.
I believe my drive for public perfectionism stems from my childhood. I was told over and over that I wasn't as thin, as pretty, as flexible, as.......whatever, as my sister. The only thing I had on my side was that I was smart. Very smart. Gifted some said. Add to this I was held up to very high standards. If I got 19 out of 20 in a maths test the parental response wasn't "Well done." but rather "What happened to number 20?" So learned very early that anything less than 100% was not good enough, and I stored that in my head, made it a part of me.
This bent for perfection has been known to frustrate me more than a little, and others a heck of a lot more. It makes me driven and hard to be around. It makes me doubt myself and my knowledge. It makes me doubt my ability to succeed. I panic over uni assignments andconstantly have people telling me "You'll be right." They are right but it doesn't help at the time. When I hear that I feel that my fears aren't being heard, that I am not being heard. And I wonder how people will react if I fail, how disappointed in me they will be. I hang so much of my self-worth on my success that I wonder if failure will make people think less of me, hate me even. I know that isn't terribly logical but I can't help it. It drives me and those around me crazy.
Yesterday I came across the works of a woman by the name of Dr Brene Brown. She is an American shame researcher (sounds kind of wierd but hey). This is her WEBSITE. Well, talk about knocking all my assumptions on their collective arse, and me too. She talks about the need for vulnerability to enable connection, and how connection is vital in life. She talks about how shame holds us back in so many ways. And she talks about how perfectionism, not healthy striving, is a defence system, allowing us to present the picture to the world that we think others expect to see. I am in the process of getting her books because I think they will be very helpful for me.
So, perfectionism....hmmmm. I do use it as a defence, but it has beome a monster in it's own right, controlling me and my life. I can understand why it has such a strong hold on me. For so much of my life I haven't wanted people to see the real me out of fear that they simply won't like who I am. Not a great way to be at any age but I am 40 now. I have survived multiple traumas in my life, I am a good parent (most of the time) and I am living an independent life. It is time I started working on that demon on my back that drives me so damn hard that I truly feel my sanity slip at times. And if people don't like the real me....well, maybe that is their problem, not mine.
I don't expect this to be an easy fight. It is so simple to slip back into the habit of driving myself beyond the point of all reason because that is how I have done it for so long. I am hoping to get back in touch with my psychologist and see if this is something I can work on her with her. And I am going to try setting myself a few ground rules; like not checking obsessively for assignment results. Most of all I am hoping that I can lean on my friends a bit. When I start obsessing I hope they will slap me upside the head (figuratively) and remind me that I am a good person and even if I did fail an assignment it wouldn't be the end of the world. Who knows, I might even come out of this battle the victor.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tomorrow
Tomorrow I get to play meet the politicians. I am not looking forward to it but it is for a good cause. The local DV service, which has provided so mch support and assistance to me, missed out on some state funding recently and the manager is not happy. Given that locally the money went to a cricket club, a bridge club, the local council and the Masons I can understand why.
The DV service runs both a refuge and a resource centre (they do other things too but these are the ones I have had the most contact with. My kids and I spent ten days in the refuge last year when we were trying to find somewhere to live. It was as an indirect result of the violence I suffered in my marriage. The resource centre is the place I have had the most to do with. I have attended educational groups there, participated in a Creative Writing program, been a part of the gardening group (started to give some of us an opportunity to give something directly back to the service) and have often just hung out there when I didn't want to be at home alone.
But the resource centre has some issues. The building is old and needs some serious work. The meeting room is not a particularly nice place to be. Shade cloth acts as the windows, with plastic cafe blinds to waterproof the room, it is not air conditioned and can be stiflingly hot in the Summer and more than a little chilly in winter, and the back door is a security door, there is no wooden door to put in the hole. This allows anybody who enters the rear yard the ability to see into the room, which for a domestic violence service is both a privacy and safety concern.
The other rooms of the building are also in need of work, although they are servicable. To be honest the best thing that could happen is that the guts would be ripped out of the building and it is purpose re-built, but that isn't going to happen. The fixing up and securing of the meeting room isn't going to happen, the woodwork that needs replacing, due to either rot or white ant, isn't going to happen. Yet some 1500 women each year will continue to attend the resource centre to gain support for the domestic violence they have experienced, and in some cases are still experiencing.
So tomorrow there is a meeting with the current state member of parliament and the other major candidates for the seat (election year). And I am there to tell them why the resource centre is so important, to draw on my experiences both with domestic violence and using the resource centre to make them not just to know why it is important that the resource centre is renovated but the understand why. To make them understand that the women who attend the service would love to be able to access such things as cricket and bridge clubs but that fears for their safety, their survival, are a higher priority. I am hugely flattered that the manager of the service has such faith in me that she has asked me to participate but I am also extremely anxious because this is such an important cause. I want to do all I can to support them and give back some of the support they have given me.
The DV service runs both a refuge and a resource centre (they do other things too but these are the ones I have had the most contact with. My kids and I spent ten days in the refuge last year when we were trying to find somewhere to live. It was as an indirect result of the violence I suffered in my marriage. The resource centre is the place I have had the most to do with. I have attended educational groups there, participated in a Creative Writing program, been a part of the gardening group (started to give some of us an opportunity to give something directly back to the service) and have often just hung out there when I didn't want to be at home alone.
But the resource centre has some issues. The building is old and needs some serious work. The meeting room is not a particularly nice place to be. Shade cloth acts as the windows, with plastic cafe blinds to waterproof the room, it is not air conditioned and can be stiflingly hot in the Summer and more than a little chilly in winter, and the back door is a security door, there is no wooden door to put in the hole. This allows anybody who enters the rear yard the ability to see into the room, which for a domestic violence service is both a privacy and safety concern.
The other rooms of the building are also in need of work, although they are servicable. To be honest the best thing that could happen is that the guts would be ripped out of the building and it is purpose re-built, but that isn't going to happen. The fixing up and securing of the meeting room isn't going to happen, the woodwork that needs replacing, due to either rot or white ant, isn't going to happen. Yet some 1500 women each year will continue to attend the resource centre to gain support for the domestic violence they have experienced, and in some cases are still experiencing.
So tomorrow there is a meeting with the current state member of parliament and the other major candidates for the seat (election year). And I am there to tell them why the resource centre is so important, to draw on my experiences both with domestic violence and using the resource centre to make them not just to know why it is important that the resource centre is renovated but the understand why. To make them understand that the women who attend the service would love to be able to access such things as cricket and bridge clubs but that fears for their safety, their survival, are a higher priority. I am hugely flattered that the manager of the service has such faith in me that she has asked me to participate but I am also extremely anxious because this is such an important cause. I want to do all I can to support them and give back some of the support they have given me.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The hard times
January is a hard month for me. For some reason the start of a new year has always been hard. I don't know why. But these days January is a time of anniversaries for me; of both good things and bad.
The best anniversary I have in January is that of the birth of my first child. He is twelve now and growing up so fast. But even this is tinged with a little sadness. Birthdays are a special time, especially for children. A time to celebrate with family. My kids do still get to do this, well, with their parents. But not at the same time any more. I feel, sometimes, like I have taken something important away from them in this regard. I know that the reality is quite different, but still the feelings remain.
Another anniversary should have been a happy one, at least for the first eleven years it was celebrated. But the truth is it rarely was. I am talking about my wedding anniversary. As I am legally still married I guess it is still a legitmate anniversary but not one I wish to celebrate anymore. I have so few good memories of my wedding anniversaries. Rarely did we make an effort to celebrate. In fact I think we only had a couple where we even managed to have a meal together without the kids. I always thought of wedding anniversaries as a special event in a couples life; an indication of the years they have travelled together. And I feel a deep sadness inside me when I hear how my friends celebrate theirs. I am envious and wish I could have similar memories to hold onto to remind myself that it wasn't all bad. But along with that envy is also some guilt and shame. Guilt and shame that I could not make a success of my marriage. So much of the responsibility for making a marriage work falls on the shoulders of women, or maybe it is just the perception of it does. I guess it doesn't matter much which. My wedding anniversary is an annual reminder of failure, and I just don't do failure well. I know that it wasn't my failure but somehow I still feel the weight of it on my shoulders.
The other anniversaries this month are of times I would rather forget. Two of the most obvious sexual assaults in my marriage happened in January. They were not the worst or the most violent. In fact they were rather gentle compared to some of what I lived with. But they are there. They are times when I can identify what happened clearly as rape. The psychologist I was seeing noted in a report she wrote for me that these events still cause a considerable amount of distress for me when I remember them. That is very true, not so much for the actual assaults themselves but for the fact they were among the few times I clearly said no. It is impossible to define it as anything else but rape when you know you have said no, regardless of who the perpetrator is. These assaults were very much the beginning of the end. They affected me so deeply inside. I went from wanting to try and make things work but working towards a future where I could be self-sufficient and support my kids to knowing I had to get out, sooner rather than later, if I was to survive.
I have grown so much in the past couple of years since those assaults. I am now physically safe and living a life that, while not perfect, is so much happier and healthier for myself and my children. I have also grown enough to acknowledge that yes, these things hurt and are going to go on hurting for a long time. It is not as simple as saying it happened x number of years ago and therefore I am/should be over it. I may never be over it. I will always remember and in some ways I am glad because the lessons I learned, while extremely painful, will hopefully help keep me safer in the future.
The best anniversary I have in January is that of the birth of my first child. He is twelve now and growing up so fast. But even this is tinged with a little sadness. Birthdays are a special time, especially for children. A time to celebrate with family. My kids do still get to do this, well, with their parents. But not at the same time any more. I feel, sometimes, like I have taken something important away from them in this regard. I know that the reality is quite different, but still the feelings remain.
Another anniversary should have been a happy one, at least for the first eleven years it was celebrated. But the truth is it rarely was. I am talking about my wedding anniversary. As I am legally still married I guess it is still a legitmate anniversary but not one I wish to celebrate anymore. I have so few good memories of my wedding anniversaries. Rarely did we make an effort to celebrate. In fact I think we only had a couple where we even managed to have a meal together without the kids. I always thought of wedding anniversaries as a special event in a couples life; an indication of the years they have travelled together. And I feel a deep sadness inside me when I hear how my friends celebrate theirs. I am envious and wish I could have similar memories to hold onto to remind myself that it wasn't all bad. But along with that envy is also some guilt and shame. Guilt and shame that I could not make a success of my marriage. So much of the responsibility for making a marriage work falls on the shoulders of women, or maybe it is just the perception of it does. I guess it doesn't matter much which. My wedding anniversary is an annual reminder of failure, and I just don't do failure well. I know that it wasn't my failure but somehow I still feel the weight of it on my shoulders.
The other anniversaries this month are of times I would rather forget. Two of the most obvious sexual assaults in my marriage happened in January. They were not the worst or the most violent. In fact they were rather gentle compared to some of what I lived with. But they are there. They are times when I can identify what happened clearly as rape. The psychologist I was seeing noted in a report she wrote for me that these events still cause a considerable amount of distress for me when I remember them. That is very true, not so much for the actual assaults themselves but for the fact they were among the few times I clearly said no. It is impossible to define it as anything else but rape when you know you have said no, regardless of who the perpetrator is. These assaults were very much the beginning of the end. They affected me so deeply inside. I went from wanting to try and make things work but working towards a future where I could be self-sufficient and support my kids to knowing I had to get out, sooner rather than later, if I was to survive.
I have grown so much in the past couple of years since those assaults. I am now physically safe and living a life that, while not perfect, is so much happier and healthier for myself and my children. I have also grown enough to acknowledge that yes, these things hurt and are going to go on hurting for a long time. It is not as simple as saying it happened x number of years ago and therefore I am/should be over it. I may never be over it. I will always remember and in some ways I am glad because the lessons I learned, while extremely painful, will hopefully help keep me safer in the future.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
If music be the food of life......
...play on; give me excess of it....
William Shakespeare - Twelth Night
Music is something that has got me through a lot of hard times. When things were at their worst it didn't matter what it was, so long as it was loud. Then a friend introduced me to the music of Within Temptation. Several of their songs touched me; more than that they spoke the words I couldn't say. Some of my favourites, songs that speak to me or are words I wish I could find, are Stand My Ground, Destroyed and Overcome. If it was possible to wear out cds I would have done so within weeks of getting them.
Early last year I was extremely lucky to get to meet Kasey Chambers and Beccy Cole, two of Australia's best female country music artists. Both are amazing women. Kasey's song, Not Pretty Enough, is one that I think I will always identify with because I have always felt I have had to be 'enough' for all the people in my life, be it my family, friends, or workmates. I think this is something I will struggle with for a long time to come. Kasey's new cd, Little Bird, also has songs with which I identify. The title track is one and Beautiful Mess is another. Beccy Cole has so many songs that I identify with it would be impossible to name them all. She has also done some amazing cover versions that just blow me away. Better Woman, Lazybones, Strong Enough to Bend....the list goes on. If you want to hear a fantastic cover of the Divinyls Pleasure and Pain check out Beccy's myspace page.
Like many other survivors of sexual assault I have found that the music of Tori Amos really touches something inside me, particularly from the Little Earthquakes cd. It seems almost a cliche but it is true, she understands because she has been there. Precious Things and Silent All These Years, and of course Me and a Gun, all show how I have felt at times.
I could go on and on with this. Music is a part of my life, a part of who I am. It helps me express how I am feeling and things I want to say. At the moment the song that is in my mind the most is Reflections by Diana Ross and the Supremes. Part of the reason for this is because I am currently working my way through a dvd set of the China Beach tv series, for which Reflections is the opening theme, the other part is because it speaks, in part, of my life now, and my need to reflect on what happened and how it has affected me.
Reflections - Diana Ross and the Supremes
Through the mirror of my mind
Time after time
I see reflections of you and me
Reflections of
The way life used to be
Reflections of
The love you took from me
Oh, I'm all alone now
No love to shield me
Trapped in a world
That's a distorted reality
Hapiness you took from me
And left me alone
With only memories
Through the mirror of my mind
Through these tears that I'm crying
Reflects a hurt I can't control
'Cause although you're gone
I keep holding on
To the happy times
Oh, when you were mine
As I peer through the window
Of lost time
Looking over my yesterdays
And all the love I gave all in vain
(All the love) All the love
That I've wasted
(All the tears) All the tears
That I've tasted
All in vain
Through the hollow of my tears
I see a dream that's lost
From the hurt
That you have caused
Everywhere I turn
Seems like everything I see
Reflects the love that used to be
In you I put
All my faith and trust
Right before my eyes
My world has turned to dust
After all the nights
I sat alone and wept
Just a handful of promisses
Are all that's left of loving you
Reflections of
The way life used to be
Reflections of
The love you took from me
In you I put
All my faith and trust
Right before my eyes
My world has turned to dust...
William Shakespeare - Twelth Night
Music is something that has got me through a lot of hard times. When things were at their worst it didn't matter what it was, so long as it was loud. Then a friend introduced me to the music of Within Temptation. Several of their songs touched me; more than that they spoke the words I couldn't say. Some of my favourites, songs that speak to me or are words I wish I could find, are Stand My Ground, Destroyed and Overcome. If it was possible to wear out cds I would have done so within weeks of getting them.
Early last year I was extremely lucky to get to meet Kasey Chambers and Beccy Cole, two of Australia's best female country music artists. Both are amazing women. Kasey's song, Not Pretty Enough, is one that I think I will always identify with because I have always felt I have had to be 'enough' for all the people in my life, be it my family, friends, or workmates. I think this is something I will struggle with for a long time to come. Kasey's new cd, Little Bird, also has songs with which I identify. The title track is one and Beautiful Mess is another. Beccy Cole has so many songs that I identify with it would be impossible to name them all. She has also done some amazing cover versions that just blow me away. Better Woman, Lazybones, Strong Enough to Bend....the list goes on. If you want to hear a fantastic cover of the Divinyls Pleasure and Pain check out Beccy's myspace page.
Like many other survivors of sexual assault I have found that the music of Tori Amos really touches something inside me, particularly from the Little Earthquakes cd. It seems almost a cliche but it is true, she understands because she has been there. Precious Things and Silent All These Years, and of course Me and a Gun, all show how I have felt at times.
I could go on and on with this. Music is a part of my life, a part of who I am. It helps me express how I am feeling and things I want to say. At the moment the song that is in my mind the most is Reflections by Diana Ross and the Supremes. Part of the reason for this is because I am currently working my way through a dvd set of the China Beach tv series, for which Reflections is the opening theme, the other part is because it speaks, in part, of my life now, and my need to reflect on what happened and how it has affected me.
Reflections - Diana Ross and the Supremes
Through the mirror of my mind
Time after time
I see reflections of you and me
Reflections of
The way life used to be
Reflections of
The love you took from me
Oh, I'm all alone now
No love to shield me
Trapped in a world
That's a distorted reality
Hapiness you took from me
And left me alone
With only memories
Through the mirror of my mind
Through these tears that I'm crying
Reflects a hurt I can't control
'Cause although you're gone
I keep holding on
To the happy times
Oh, when you were mine
As I peer through the window
Of lost time
Looking over my yesterdays
And all the love I gave all in vain
(All the love) All the love
That I've wasted
(All the tears) All the tears
That I've tasted
All in vain
Through the hollow of my tears
I see a dream that's lost
From the hurt
That you have caused
Everywhere I turn
Seems like everything I see
Reflects the love that used to be
In you I put
All my faith and trust
Right before my eyes
My world has turned to dust
After all the nights
I sat alone and wept
Just a handful of promisses
Are all that's left of loving you
Reflections of
The way life used to be
Reflections of
The love you took from me
In you I put
All my faith and trust
Right before my eyes
My world has turned to dust...
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