Who Sets the Price?

Like many women who have lived or are living with domestic violence I paid a price for my marriage. In my case the price was regular sexual, emotional and mental abuse that have left me with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. The things I lived with, the things I survived, left me feeling broken beyond repair.

I lost so many things because of the abuse I suffered. I lost friends; partly due to geographical distance but also due to the fact that I could not bring myself to keep contact with people who knew me before. I didn't want them to know something was wrong. In part, I think, because I blamed myself but also largely because I didn't think anybody would understand.

I lost a part of me that was able to not just ask for help but accept it when it was offered. I did not believe I deserved help, that I was worth the effort. I  know now that I had friend's keeping a very close eye on me. Friends who, if they didn't see me for a couple of days running, would ask the kids how I was. Friends who were begging me to accept their help and support.

I also nearly lost my life. Suicidal ideation is very common amongst victims of both sexual and domestic violence. In my case I truly believed there was no other way to make it stop. And all I wanted was for it to stop.

Ending the marriage and gaining physical safety does not mean I have regained those things I lost. Nor does it mean I have stopped losing things.

I lost the financial stabilty of having a wage earner in the house. Centrelink payments and child support help (and I count myself lucky I do get good child support. Many others do not) but the truth is I am now running a house on those payments but still have three people to support.

I have lost the stability that comes with being a property owner. Until the house was sold, as a part of the property settlement, my children and I knew where we belonged. It didn't matter so much if a wall got marked or a carpet stained. Now, as a renter, I have to fight to keep the place in as close to the same condition as it was when we moved in as possible. I am also subject to the whim of the owner. Instead of having a safe, stable base, I have found that the owner of the property has been trying to sell it for some time, a fact nobody told me before I signed the lease. The kids and I now face the same situation we were in before - waiting for a house to sell and not knowing how long we have before we will, again, have to find somewhere else to live.

I have, in many ways, lost my family. While my siblings know what has happened my father, step-mother and grandmother do not. And I can't bring myself to tell them. One of that trio still refuses to accept that I have made a considered decision and actually know what I am doing. Instead they continue to express disappointment about the separation and hope for reconcilliation. This makes contacting my family uncomfortable and I delay doing so.

I have lost the physical pressence of another adult in my house. Okay, maybe he was more trouble than he was worth but he was another adult; someone who was there if the kids got sick or something needed fixing urgently.

Other things I have lost are less tangible. My self-esteem and self- confidence have both suffered drastic blows and are taking a long time to recover; my sense of self-worth is still extremely shakey. I have lost the ability to trust easily and see the best in others. I have lost a part of my life that I can never get back.

Yet, in many ways, I count myself lucky. Without discounting what I have been through I can see that it could have been a whole lot worse. I could have lost my children. Domestic violence is a child protection issue and children living in a family where the domestic violence occurs are deemd to be at risk. I know of more than one woman who has had their children removed by welfare authorities and, even long after ending the violent relationship, are fighting to get them back.

I could have lost my life. Murder by a current or past intimate partner does happen. In Australia it happens to around 80 women a year.

I could have lost the essential part of me that cares, for my children, for others. If I had lost that then the odds are I would still be in the marriage.

And I can't say I have gained nothing from the marriage. I have two children I adore, many friends I would never have made, and a passion for a cause. I think of these things as compensation, rather than gains. A little something to help me keep going. I can't say if the cost they have come at is too high because I can't change what happened to me. But I can make it count.

Hijacking causes

This has been on my mind a bit and I am finally going to put it out there for the world.....

Thursday was the United Nations Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, commonly known as White Ribbon Day. A fsntastic cause, one worth supporting, and I do so wholeheartedly. But I noticed a disturbing trend. Virtually everytime White Ribbon Day was mentioned somebody, generally a male, asked "What about men?"

Now, I don't have a problem with supporting an end to violence against men, particularly sexual and domestic violence. I have come to know men who have been victimised, physically and sexually, by both men and women. It is wrong for anybody to suffer in this way. But why hijack a really good cause? Nobody debates that violence against men occurs, and yes, at the hands of women as well as men. Nobody I saw said that violence against men is any more acceptable than violence against women. But the simple truth is that one in three women in Australia have experienced domestic or intimate partner violence (something that is becoming more prevalent in teen relationships) and one in four to five women have experienced sexual victimisation. This type of violence is primarily perpetrated by males.

If you look overseas (mostly) you will see gender based violence that includes rape as a weapon of war, female genital mutilation, honour killings, dowry murders, and the killing of female babies in China so that families can have another child, hopefully a male, to carry on the family name.

Many of the men who posed the question on Thursday went on to quote statistics and recommend articles about violence perpetrated by women against men. The problem is that the research for many of these articles is based on discreditied tools. For a good article on Men as Victims try this Australian one.

Men as Victims

The best response I saw to the "What about men?" question was that they hear that question more than they hear men say "Violence against women is unacceptable." She also said that rather than promoting discussion and breaking the silence about an issue, me too-ism closes discussion down, leaving victims and advocates silenced.

To support one cause does not mean that another is not equally worthy; we don't support research funding for childhood cancers but not for adult cancers; we don't support ending poverty for those of European heritage over those of Asian or African heritage; and we don't support responsible driving or alcohol consumption for men over women. The fact is the November 25 is a UN nominated day for supporting an end to violence against women, and it comes at the end of the 16 days of activism against domestic violence. And White Ribbon Day was created by two Canadian men who saw a need for other men to step up and say that violence against women is unacceptable.

Please don't silence a good cause just because your particular sub-set of humanity isn't specifically included. If you want to get your cause recognised do what so many others have over the years - Get of your arse and start something yourself.

Welcome to my world

Welcome to my new blog. The old one still exists but I am past that point in my life. So I decided to start from scratch rather than try to continue with the old.

What you will find here are my ramblings and rantings about my life, surviving DV and IPSV, being a single parent and student, and the things in my world that stir my passion (frequently related to my experiences and the sense of injustice I still carry from them). Some comments/posts/etc may contain content that may be triggering for some people. Please take care of yourself and be mindful that we all heal differently.

What you will not find here is professional help. I am not a therapist, pshycologist, counsellor or shrink. I am a woman who would like to share what sometimes makes my life easier to cope with. If you are looking for professional help then please contact Lifeline or another crisis service in your area. If you are looking for support you can try the resources list on Pandora's Project, the link for which is on the right of this page. Aphrodite Wounded, also linked, also has many fantastic links to other resources.

Please, feel free to comment, debate, question, etc but be respectful. I am voicing my opinion and will respect your right to do the same but if you try to hijack my blog or inflame people your comments will be deleted and I will find a way to ban you. Be aware that if you are posting about your own experiences that you are responsible for your safety. This is a public blog that anyone may read. If you are talking about perpetrators who have not been publically named (please provide a link) then to protect yourself legally you should take care not to make them identifiable.

Feel free to link this blog to websites or your own blog.

Stay safe.

Carz