Those special fears

Many survivors of trauma, all sorts of trauma, have special fears, or triggers. Sometimes, often they are related directly to the traumatic even. Other times it could be something on the periphery of the event, a smell, another event, a taste. Just.....something. These special fear, triggers, can cause a resurgence of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and can bring about feelings of reliving the trauma. They are not always particularly logical, nor can the actual trigger always be worked out.

My trigger is bushfires. I know nobody likes bushfires, except maybe an arsonist. I know that they make a lot of peoples blood run cold. They do that to me but they also do so much more. They return me to the place of being a terrified child. Scared, confused, and feeling very alone. It took me a long time to work out this trigger. Before that being even 100kms of a bushfire would send me into near panic. My heart would race, I would plan packing the car and evacuating, I would have an overwhelming urge to run. I knew it wasn't terribly logical but it was always there. Always. During Summer I would would obsessively check the CFA or RFS websites (depending on what state I was living/visiting at the time). I had to know exactly what was happening. I have managed to curb those behaviours but the anxiety and tension that fill me at the very thought of bushfires is still very much alive.

Looking back I can see those trigger responses occurring over many years. Ash Wednesday is a big one. I couldn't take any enjoyment out of the strange and rather beautiful sunrises or sunsets. I couldn't make myself stand outside at night and watch the far away glow of the fires. I was not quite 13 and absolutely terrified. I never told anypne about it, although I know some saw it in me. I didn't understand it myself at the time. All I knew was that bushfires equalled terror and danger to my personal safety. It has happened again and again over the years. The fear, consuming my every waking thought. The Alpine fires in 2003 was another bad one. The smoke was everywhere. I seemed to spend half my life monitoring St John Ambulance units as they made their way through our patch of radio communications area. And I had to face my ex going near the fires. Not close close, but close enough to scare the absolute shit out of. I lived in a state of terror for weeks.

Last year I figured out the source of this trigger. On a family holiday in the Summer of 1980/81 I was sexually assaulted by a distant relative. It wasn't a personally life threatening event and I really don't remember my emotional response to it, or indeed a lot of details about the event. In times gone past I considered it a bit of a non-event. It happened, it was wrong, I couldn't do anything to change it so why even think about it. I never connected it to a lot of things that happened in later life and I certainly never connected it to bushfires. Why would I? I mean, it isn't like it happened in the middle of a fire or anything. But the fire trigger is there. You see, during the same family holiday during which I was assaulted, but at a different location,  there were bushfires nearby. And they terrified me. They weren't terribly close to where we were staying but they were close to some of my Mum's family. I was to spend a night there, playing with my younger second cousin. At some point I became hysterical about the fires, which still weren't terribly close and were certainly not a direct threat. I would say it was my first panic attack. I had to be taken back to where my family was camping, in the middle of the night. Other things happened during that holiday. One of Mum's cousins ahd all his camping gear stolen while he was out fighting the fires. My sister was staying with the relatives nearby and heard on the radio that the whole town where they lived had been wiped out in the fire (it hadn't but hey, it was still on the radio).

So that is my trigger, my special fear. Bushfires can make me have panic attacks. I no longer read about them or watch the news during bushfire season. Ignorance, in this case, truly is bliss. I am aware at some point I am going to have to deal with it. I need to take the sting, the power, away from it. I need to take it back for me and so I don't pass this horrible fear on to my children.

If you she someone having what you believe is a completely irrational, over-the-top response to something, don't automatically assume that they are a bit loopy or are just over reacting. It maybe they have crossed paths with one of their triggers and are back in the place of trauma. If you can sit with them, be there, listen if they want to talk and, most importantly, don't judge. One day it could be you.