I came across this article XXX Olympiad Perving on The Hoopla today and I must admit it has left me a little disturbed. The author admits to objectifying people. She states that "Whether it is of men or of women, objectification is not in itself an unwholesome act."
I'm sorry!?! You have no problem with objectifying people? I queried the possible hypocrisy of the article, in the comments section, on the grounds that we object to the objectification of women. The author came back saying she wouldn't want to have sex with someone who didn't objectify her at least a little.
WTF???? Seriously????
Let me tell you Ms Razer about being objectified by someone who wants to have sex with you. But first, a definition:
From the Online Dictionary (and it is the same as in the Macquarie Concise Dictionary on my desk):
ob·jec·ti·fy
[uhb-jek-tuh-fahy] Show IPA
verb (used with object), ob·jec·ti·fied, ob·jec·ti·fy·ing.
to present as an object, especially of sight, touch, or other physical sense; make objective; externalize.
Okay, so to objectify a person is to see them as an object, not as a person. Can we at least agree on that much?
Apparently not. It would seem that in her comments (which are in response to mine) that Ms Razer confuses objectify and admire. I can admire somebody's physical appearance and still see them as a person . That is not, in my book, objectifying a person. Seeing them wholly and solely as something, an object, is very different.
I would like to share what it is like to be objectified by somebody who wants to have sex with you, as I experienced it. I am not saying that all people who objectify others are like my ex, or that all such people are rapists.
* * *
I am separated from a man who objectified me regarding sex. He saw me as something to be used for his pleasure. It wasn't always like that, especially in the beginning, but by the end of our marriage it was. Every night he would come to bed and when he decided it was time, would do one of two things. If I was already trying to sleep he would grab my hand, drag it over to his genitals, and use it to start masturbating himself, like it was just something warm and soft to use, as an alternative to using his own hand. If, however, I was still reading, which I did on my side with my back to him, he would spoon up behind me, reach one hand over and grab my breast, while grinding his penis against my back and/or bottom. If I ignored him while doing this he would progress through "foreplay" to intercourse, even if I was still reading my book. It was obvious that, for the most part, he did not give a shit about what I wanted. I was there for him to use. I was an object.
Most times I didn't object. It is easier to stay quiet and say nothing than to say no and have it ignored. And I did have it ignored; when I was sick, when I was upset, when our children were awake in another room, when other people were in the same room. But by staying quiet you can fool yourself. You can convince yourself that it wasn't rape. You can tell yourself that by not saying no you gave consent. Even as you work your way through the trauma, and come to terms with the fact that the PTSD you have been diagnosed with is a life long condition, to be managed as say diabetes or epilepsy is, you can still, in the small dark spaces of your mind, hold on to the fact that you didn't say no (well, not all the time) and that it might all be a great big misunderstanding.
I truly hope, Ms Razer, that you never have sex with someone who objectifies you. Instead my wish for you is that you only have moments of intimacy with people who love, admire and cherish you. I also hope that you will continue to admire the human form, male and female, while remembering that they are people and not objects.
