When I was in high school it was made very clear to us, as students, that we had certain rights. It was also made clear that alongside those rights we had certain responsibilites. From what I have seen of my children's school it is much the same there. What is sad is that it doesn't seem to translate to humanity in general.
We hear much about rights. Human rights, men's rights, prisoner's rights, women's rights. But maybe it's about time that the responsibilities that go with those rights are clearly articulated. For example:
Right: To live free of violence
Responsibility: Not to be violent to others
Right: To be treated humanely.
Responsibility: To treat all others humanely.
Rights are all well and good but unless they are tied to responsibilities then they are next to meaningless. One example I have seen recently is a commentator on an Opinion e-newspaper. He rabbits on about the evil of feminism and how it's destroying the world and how men's rights groups are the only ones to have it right. But never does he mention the responsibilities that men have. It is like a little kid who wants everything and won't shre. One of his favourite hobby-horses is the evils of the Family Law Act, in regards to fathers (leading many other commentators to speculate that he has been done over by that system). He talks about the rights of fathers to know their children, to have equal access and time with their children. Nowhere does he mention the children's rights to live free of fear and intimidation, to have a stable and happy life. Nor does he mention the responsibilities men have regarding their children. That responsibility does not start and end with paying child support, as so many think it does (Not all. There are many men who fight not just their rights but their responsibilities). There is a responsibility to treat your children as people in their own right, not as extensions of themselves. There is a responsibility to provide for your children, beyond what is required in child support. That means a safe environment to go to when with their fathers, proper meals and other requirements when they are with their father (clothes, shoes, entertainment). There is a responsibility to ensure your children's safety. This can range from ensuring they have proper safety equipment for activities they my do with the father, such as bike riding, to ensuring that they get sufficient sleep, are not around illegal drug use and are not taken to places where their physical and emotional safety may be put at risk. It should go without saying that these responsibilities belong to BOTH parents, however it often doesn't seem to be the case.
A mother also has many responsibilities. One of those, as put forward in the Family Law Act is to be a "friendly"parent. While friendly parent provisions apply to both parents, in cases where 50/50 shared care is not in place the onus is on the parent who has physical custody of the children for the greater proportion of time. This generally means the mother. Friendly Parent provisions require parents to facilitate and encourage the children's relationship with the other parent, regardless of any safety issues to themselves or the children. It is a part of the Act that is very open to mainpulation as it does not take much to paint one parent as being "unfriendly" to the other.
To get back on track.....
Maybe it is time we all stopped putting our rights to the front and centre and looked instead at our responsibilities. I believe that if we all met our responsibilities, as implied by our rights, then the world would be a safer, happier place.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Those special fears
Many survivors of trauma, all sorts of trauma, have special fears, or triggers. Sometimes, often they are related directly to the traumatic even. Other times it could be something on the periphery of the event, a smell, another event, a taste. Just.....something. These special fear, triggers, can cause a resurgence of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and can bring about feelings of reliving the trauma. They are not always particularly logical, nor can the actual trigger always be worked out.
My trigger is bushfires. I know nobody likes bushfires, except maybe an arsonist. I know that they make a lot of peoples blood run cold. They do that to me but they also do so much more. They return me to the place of being a terrified child. Scared, confused, and feeling very alone. It took me a long time to work out this trigger. Before that being even 100kms of a bushfire would send me into near panic. My heart would race, I would plan packing the car and evacuating, I would have an overwhelming urge to run. I knew it wasn't terribly logical but it was always there. Always. During Summer I would would obsessively check the CFA or RFS websites (depending on what state I was living/visiting at the time). I had to know exactly what was happening. I have managed to curb those behaviours but the anxiety and tension that fill me at the very thought of bushfires is still very much alive.
Looking back I can see those trigger responses occurring over many years. Ash Wednesday is a big one. I couldn't take any enjoyment out of the strange and rather beautiful sunrises or sunsets. I couldn't make myself stand outside at night and watch the far away glow of the fires. I was not quite 13 and absolutely terrified. I never told anypne about it, although I know some saw it in me. I didn't understand it myself at the time. All I knew was that bushfires equalled terror and danger to my personal safety. It has happened again and again over the years. The fear, consuming my every waking thought. The Alpine fires in 2003 was another bad one. The smoke was everywhere. I seemed to spend half my life monitoring St John Ambulance units as they made their way through our patch of radio communications area. And I had to face my ex going near the fires. Not close close, but close enough to scare the absolute shit out of. I lived in a state of terror for weeks.
Last year I figured out the source of this trigger. On a family holiday in the Summer of 1980/81 I was sexually assaulted by a distant relative. It wasn't a personally life threatening event and I really don't remember my emotional response to it, or indeed a lot of details about the event. In times gone past I considered it a bit of a non-event. It happened, it was wrong, I couldn't do anything to change it so why even think about it. I never connected it to a lot of things that happened in later life and I certainly never connected it to bushfires. Why would I? I mean, it isn't like it happened in the middle of a fire or anything. But the fire trigger is there. You see, during the same family holiday during which I was assaulted, but at a different location, there were bushfires nearby. And they terrified me. They weren't terribly close to where we were staying but they were close to some of my Mum's family. I was to spend a night there, playing with my younger second cousin. At some point I became hysterical about the fires, which still weren't terribly close and were certainly not a direct threat. I would say it was my first panic attack. I had to be taken back to where my family was camping, in the middle of the night. Other things happened during that holiday. One of Mum's cousins ahd all his camping gear stolen while he was out fighting the fires. My sister was staying with the relatives nearby and heard on the radio that the whole town where they lived had been wiped out in the fire (it hadn't but hey, it was still on the radio).
So that is my trigger, my special fear. Bushfires can make me have panic attacks. I no longer read about them or watch the news during bushfire season. Ignorance, in this case, truly is bliss. I am aware at some point I am going to have to deal with it. I need to take the sting, the power, away from it. I need to take it back for me and so I don't pass this horrible fear on to my children.
If you she someone having what you believe is a completely irrational, over-the-top response to something, don't automatically assume that they are a bit loopy or are just over reacting. It maybe they have crossed paths with one of their triggers and are back in the place of trauma. If you can sit with them, be there, listen if they want to talk and, most importantly, don't judge. One day it could be you.
My trigger is bushfires. I know nobody likes bushfires, except maybe an arsonist. I know that they make a lot of peoples blood run cold. They do that to me but they also do so much more. They return me to the place of being a terrified child. Scared, confused, and feeling very alone. It took me a long time to work out this trigger. Before that being even 100kms of a bushfire would send me into near panic. My heart would race, I would plan packing the car and evacuating, I would have an overwhelming urge to run. I knew it wasn't terribly logical but it was always there. Always. During Summer I would would obsessively check the CFA or RFS websites (depending on what state I was living/visiting at the time). I had to know exactly what was happening. I have managed to curb those behaviours but the anxiety and tension that fill me at the very thought of bushfires is still very much alive.
Looking back I can see those trigger responses occurring over many years. Ash Wednesday is a big one. I couldn't take any enjoyment out of the strange and rather beautiful sunrises or sunsets. I couldn't make myself stand outside at night and watch the far away glow of the fires. I was not quite 13 and absolutely terrified. I never told anypne about it, although I know some saw it in me. I didn't understand it myself at the time. All I knew was that bushfires equalled terror and danger to my personal safety. It has happened again and again over the years. The fear, consuming my every waking thought. The Alpine fires in 2003 was another bad one. The smoke was everywhere. I seemed to spend half my life monitoring St John Ambulance units as they made their way through our patch of radio communications area. And I had to face my ex going near the fires. Not close close, but close enough to scare the absolute shit out of. I lived in a state of terror for weeks.
Last year I figured out the source of this trigger. On a family holiday in the Summer of 1980/81 I was sexually assaulted by a distant relative. It wasn't a personally life threatening event and I really don't remember my emotional response to it, or indeed a lot of details about the event. In times gone past I considered it a bit of a non-event. It happened, it was wrong, I couldn't do anything to change it so why even think about it. I never connected it to a lot of things that happened in later life and I certainly never connected it to bushfires. Why would I? I mean, it isn't like it happened in the middle of a fire or anything. But the fire trigger is there. You see, during the same family holiday during which I was assaulted, but at a different location, there were bushfires nearby. And they terrified me. They weren't terribly close to where we were staying but they were close to some of my Mum's family. I was to spend a night there, playing with my younger second cousin. At some point I became hysterical about the fires, which still weren't terribly close and were certainly not a direct threat. I would say it was my first panic attack. I had to be taken back to where my family was camping, in the middle of the night. Other things happened during that holiday. One of Mum's cousins ahd all his camping gear stolen while he was out fighting the fires. My sister was staying with the relatives nearby and heard on the radio that the whole town where they lived had been wiped out in the fire (it hadn't but hey, it was still on the radio).
So that is my trigger, my special fear. Bushfires can make me have panic attacks. I no longer read about them or watch the news during bushfire season. Ignorance, in this case, truly is bliss. I am aware at some point I am going to have to deal with it. I need to take the sting, the power, away from it. I need to take it back for me and so I don't pass this horrible fear on to my children.
If you she someone having what you believe is a completely irrational, over-the-top response to something, don't automatically assume that they are a bit loopy or are just over reacting. It maybe they have crossed paths with one of their triggers and are back in the place of trauma. If you can sit with them, be there, listen if they want to talk and, most importantly, don't judge. One day it could be you.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Perfection.....Pt 2
Okay, so I am starting to work on my perfectionism issues. I need to beat this beast back and take control of my life. But self-dobt is already starting to creep back in. I feel like I have picked the worst possible time to do this.
This year for uni I am doing my Field Education units. The last compulsory units I have for my degree. So I have to get out there and actually be around people. This is terrifying. For a start it means that my uni world will no longer revolve around my computer and a pile of books. I have to get out of my comfort zone and actually be around people. That is a really scary thought for me. i am used to all my uni stuff being nicely contained. Secondly, it is inevitable that I am going to not know what to do and to make mistakes. For me these things are.....terrifying. Uncertainty, being less than perfect, they make my skin crawl and I actually feel like I am going to throw up on the keyboard just thinking about them.
I guess in some ways it is a good thing that I am being forced out of my comfort zone. Knowing I am likely to feel lost and uncertain about things means I can prepare for them and start now at being kind to myself about it. Nobody at my host organisation is going to expect me to know everything. They are going to expect me to feel unsure and anxious. I just have to learn to sit with those feelings and not beat myself up for them. Maybe I need to create some strategies for dealing with it in myself. Hmmm...I will have to think about that one.
But in the meantime I am going to try and start by catching the negative self-talk that I seem to engage in so often. No more berrating myself when I make a mistake. I am not stupid or an idiot when I do, I have just made a mistake. Easy to say but I have a feeling it will be a lot harder to put into action.
This year for uni I am doing my Field Education units. The last compulsory units I have for my degree. So I have to get out there and actually be around people. This is terrifying. For a start it means that my uni world will no longer revolve around my computer and a pile of books. I have to get out of my comfort zone and actually be around people. That is a really scary thought for me. i am used to all my uni stuff being nicely contained. Secondly, it is inevitable that I am going to not know what to do and to make mistakes. For me these things are.....terrifying. Uncertainty, being less than perfect, they make my skin crawl and I actually feel like I am going to throw up on the keyboard just thinking about them.
I guess in some ways it is a good thing that I am being forced out of my comfort zone. Knowing I am likely to feel lost and uncertain about things means I can prepare for them and start now at being kind to myself about it. Nobody at my host organisation is going to expect me to know everything. They are going to expect me to feel unsure and anxious. I just have to learn to sit with those feelings and not beat myself up for them. Maybe I need to create some strategies for dealing with it in myself. Hmmm...I will have to think about that one.
But in the meantime I am going to try and start by catching the negative self-talk that I seem to engage in so often. No more berrating myself when I make a mistake. I am not stupid or an idiot when I do, I have just made a mistake. Easy to say but I have a feeling it will be a lot harder to put into action.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Letting go of perfectionism
I am a perfectionist. I always have been. I honestly believed it was hard wired into my brain, that that was how I had to be. It doesn't extend to all areas of my life (anyone who has seen my house can attest to that) but is a prominant part of my public life. I have to be seen as achieving the most, being if not the best then pretty damn close. But no more. I am not saying it is going to be easy. As I said, it has been a part of me for a very long time.
I believe my drive for public perfectionism stems from my childhood. I was told over and over that I wasn't as thin, as pretty, as flexible, as.......whatever, as my sister. The only thing I had on my side was that I was smart. Very smart. Gifted some said. Add to this I was held up to very high standards. If I got 19 out of 20 in a maths test the parental response wasn't "Well done." but rather "What happened to number 20?" So learned very early that anything less than 100% was not good enough, and I stored that in my head, made it a part of me.
This bent for perfection has been known to frustrate me more than a little, and others a heck of a lot more. It makes me driven and hard to be around. It makes me doubt myself and my knowledge. It makes me doubt my ability to succeed. I panic over uni assignments andconstantly have people telling me "You'll be right." They are right but it doesn't help at the time. When I hear that I feel that my fears aren't being heard, that I am not being heard. And I wonder how people will react if I fail, how disappointed in me they will be. I hang so much of my self-worth on my success that I wonder if failure will make people think less of me, hate me even. I know that isn't terribly logical but I can't help it. It drives me and those around me crazy.
Yesterday I came across the works of a woman by the name of Dr Brene Brown. She is an American shame researcher (sounds kind of wierd but hey). This is her WEBSITE. Well, talk about knocking all my assumptions on their collective arse, and me too. She talks about the need for vulnerability to enable connection, and how connection is vital in life. She talks about how shame holds us back in so many ways. And she talks about how perfectionism, not healthy striving, is a defence system, allowing us to present the picture to the world that we think others expect to see. I am in the process of getting her books because I think they will be very helpful for me.
So, perfectionism....hmmmm. I do use it as a defence, but it has beome a monster in it's own right, controlling me and my life. I can understand why it has such a strong hold on me. For so much of my life I haven't wanted people to see the real me out of fear that they simply won't like who I am. Not a great way to be at any age but I am 40 now. I have survived multiple traumas in my life, I am a good parent (most of the time) and I am living an independent life. It is time I started working on that demon on my back that drives me so damn hard that I truly feel my sanity slip at times. And if people don't like the real me....well, maybe that is their problem, not mine.
I don't expect this to be an easy fight. It is so simple to slip back into the habit of driving myself beyond the point of all reason because that is how I have done it for so long. I am hoping to get back in touch with my psychologist and see if this is something I can work on her with her. And I am going to try setting myself a few ground rules; like not checking obsessively for assignment results. Most of all I am hoping that I can lean on my friends a bit. When I start obsessing I hope they will slap me upside the head (figuratively) and remind me that I am a good person and even if I did fail an assignment it wouldn't be the end of the world. Who knows, I might even come out of this battle the victor.
I believe my drive for public perfectionism stems from my childhood. I was told over and over that I wasn't as thin, as pretty, as flexible, as.......whatever, as my sister. The only thing I had on my side was that I was smart. Very smart. Gifted some said. Add to this I was held up to very high standards. If I got 19 out of 20 in a maths test the parental response wasn't "Well done." but rather "What happened to number 20?" So learned very early that anything less than 100% was not good enough, and I stored that in my head, made it a part of me.
This bent for perfection has been known to frustrate me more than a little, and others a heck of a lot more. It makes me driven and hard to be around. It makes me doubt myself and my knowledge. It makes me doubt my ability to succeed. I panic over uni assignments andconstantly have people telling me "You'll be right." They are right but it doesn't help at the time. When I hear that I feel that my fears aren't being heard, that I am not being heard. And I wonder how people will react if I fail, how disappointed in me they will be. I hang so much of my self-worth on my success that I wonder if failure will make people think less of me, hate me even. I know that isn't terribly logical but I can't help it. It drives me and those around me crazy.
Yesterday I came across the works of a woman by the name of Dr Brene Brown. She is an American shame researcher (sounds kind of wierd but hey). This is her WEBSITE. Well, talk about knocking all my assumptions on their collective arse, and me too. She talks about the need for vulnerability to enable connection, and how connection is vital in life. She talks about how shame holds us back in so many ways. And she talks about how perfectionism, not healthy striving, is a defence system, allowing us to present the picture to the world that we think others expect to see. I am in the process of getting her books because I think they will be very helpful for me.
So, perfectionism....hmmmm. I do use it as a defence, but it has beome a monster in it's own right, controlling me and my life. I can understand why it has such a strong hold on me. For so much of my life I haven't wanted people to see the real me out of fear that they simply won't like who I am. Not a great way to be at any age but I am 40 now. I have survived multiple traumas in my life, I am a good parent (most of the time) and I am living an independent life. It is time I started working on that demon on my back that drives me so damn hard that I truly feel my sanity slip at times. And if people don't like the real me....well, maybe that is their problem, not mine.
I don't expect this to be an easy fight. It is so simple to slip back into the habit of driving myself beyond the point of all reason because that is how I have done it for so long. I am hoping to get back in touch with my psychologist and see if this is something I can work on her with her. And I am going to try setting myself a few ground rules; like not checking obsessively for assignment results. Most of all I am hoping that I can lean on my friends a bit. When I start obsessing I hope they will slap me upside the head (figuratively) and remind me that I am a good person and even if I did fail an assignment it wouldn't be the end of the world. Who knows, I might even come out of this battle the victor.
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