Letting go of perfectionism

I am a perfectionist. I always have been. I honestly believed it was hard wired into my brain, that that was how I had to be. It doesn't extend to all areas of my life (anyone who has seen my house can attest to that) but is a prominant part of my public life. I have to be seen as achieving the most, being if not the best then pretty damn close. But no more. I am not saying it is going to be easy. As I said, it has been a part of me for a very long time.

I believe my drive for public perfectionism stems from my childhood. I was told over and over that I wasn't as thin, as pretty, as flexible, as.......whatever, as my sister. The only thing I had on my side was that I was smart. Very smart. Gifted some said. Add to this I was held up to very high standards. If I got 19 out of 20 in a maths test the parental response wasn't "Well done." but rather "What happened to number 20?" So learned very early that anything less than 100% was not good enough, and I stored that in my head, made it a part of me.

This bent for perfection has been known to frustrate me more than a little, and others a heck of a lot more. It makes me driven and hard to be around. It makes me doubt myself and my knowledge. It makes me doubt my ability to succeed. I panic over uni assignments andconstantly have people telling me "You'll be right." They are right but it doesn't help at the time. When I hear that I feel that my fears aren't being heard, that I am not being heard. And I wonder how people will react if I fail, how disappointed in me they will be. I hang so much of my self-worth on my success that I wonder if failure will make people think less of me, hate me even. I know that isn't terribly logical but I can't help it. It drives me and those around me crazy.

Yesterday I came across the works of a woman by the name of Dr Brene Brown. She is an American shame researcher (sounds kind of wierd but hey). This is her WEBSITE. Well, talk about knocking all my assumptions on their collective arse, and me too. She talks about the need for vulnerability to enable connection, and how connection is vital in life. She talks about how shame holds us back in so many ways. And she talks about how perfectionism, not healthy striving, is a defence system, allowing us to present the picture to the world that we think others expect to see. I am in the process of getting her books because I think they will be very helpful for me.

So, perfectionism....hmmmm. I do use it as a defence, but it has beome a monster in it's own right, controlling me and my life. I can understand why it has such a strong hold on me. For so much of my life I haven't wanted people to see the real me out of fear that they simply won't like who I am. Not a great way to be at any age but I am 40 now. I have survived multiple traumas in my life, I am a good parent (most of the time) and I am living an independent life. It is time I started working on that demon on my back that drives me so damn hard that I truly feel my sanity slip at times. And if people don't like the real me....well, maybe that is their problem, not mine.

I don't expect this to be an easy fight. It is so simple to slip back into the habit of driving myself beyond the point of all reason because that is how I have done it for so long. I am hoping to get back in touch with my psychologist and see if this is something I can work on her with her. And I am going to try setting myself a few ground rules; like not checking obsessively for assignment results. Most of all I am hoping that I can lean on my friends a bit. When I start obsessing I hope they will slap me upside the head (figuratively) and remind me that I am a good person and even if I did fail an assignment it wouldn't be the end of the world. Who knows, I might even come out of this battle the victor.