Tomorrow I get to play meet the politicians. I am not looking forward to it but it is for a good cause. The local DV service, which has provided so mch support and assistance to me, missed out on some state funding recently and the manager is not happy. Given that locally the money went to a cricket club, a bridge club, the local council and the Masons I can understand why.
The DV service runs both a refuge and a resource centre (they do other things too but these are the ones I have had the most contact with. My kids and I spent ten days in the refuge last year when we were trying to find somewhere to live. It was as an indirect result of the violence I suffered in my marriage. The resource centre is the place I have had the most to do with. I have attended educational groups there, participated in a Creative Writing program, been a part of the gardening group (started to give some of us an opportunity to give something directly back to the service) and have often just hung out there when I didn't want to be at home alone.
But the resource centre has some issues. The building is old and needs some serious work. The meeting room is not a particularly nice place to be. Shade cloth acts as the windows, with plastic cafe blinds to waterproof the room, it is not air conditioned and can be stiflingly hot in the Summer and more than a little chilly in winter, and the back door is a security door, there is no wooden door to put in the hole. This allows anybody who enters the rear yard the ability to see into the room, which for a domestic violence service is both a privacy and safety concern.
The other rooms of the building are also in need of work, although they are servicable. To be honest the best thing that could happen is that the guts would be ripped out of the building and it is purpose re-built, but that isn't going to happen. The fixing up and securing of the meeting room isn't going to happen, the woodwork that needs replacing, due to either rot or white ant, isn't going to happen. Yet some 1500 women each year will continue to attend the resource centre to gain support for the domestic violence they have experienced, and in some cases are still experiencing.
So tomorrow there is a meeting with the current state member of parliament and the other major candidates for the seat (election year). And I am there to tell them why the resource centre is so important, to draw on my experiences both with domestic violence and using the resource centre to make them not just to know why it is important that the resource centre is renovated but the understand why. To make them understand that the women who attend the service would love to be able to access such things as cricket and bridge clubs but that fears for their safety, their survival, are a higher priority. I am hugely flattered that the manager of the service has such faith in me that she has asked me to participate but I am also extremely anxious because this is such an important cause. I want to do all I can to support them and give back some of the support they have given me.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The hard times
January is a hard month for me. For some reason the start of a new year has always been hard. I don't know why. But these days January is a time of anniversaries for me; of both good things and bad.
The best anniversary I have in January is that of the birth of my first child. He is twelve now and growing up so fast. But even this is tinged with a little sadness. Birthdays are a special time, especially for children. A time to celebrate with family. My kids do still get to do this, well, with their parents. But not at the same time any more. I feel, sometimes, like I have taken something important away from them in this regard. I know that the reality is quite different, but still the feelings remain.
Another anniversary should have been a happy one, at least for the first eleven years it was celebrated. But the truth is it rarely was. I am talking about my wedding anniversary. As I am legally still married I guess it is still a legitmate anniversary but not one I wish to celebrate anymore. I have so few good memories of my wedding anniversaries. Rarely did we make an effort to celebrate. In fact I think we only had a couple where we even managed to have a meal together without the kids. I always thought of wedding anniversaries as a special event in a couples life; an indication of the years they have travelled together. And I feel a deep sadness inside me when I hear how my friends celebrate theirs. I am envious and wish I could have similar memories to hold onto to remind myself that it wasn't all bad. But along with that envy is also some guilt and shame. Guilt and shame that I could not make a success of my marriage. So much of the responsibility for making a marriage work falls on the shoulders of women, or maybe it is just the perception of it does. I guess it doesn't matter much which. My wedding anniversary is an annual reminder of failure, and I just don't do failure well. I know that it wasn't my failure but somehow I still feel the weight of it on my shoulders.
The other anniversaries this month are of times I would rather forget. Two of the most obvious sexual assaults in my marriage happened in January. They were not the worst or the most violent. In fact they were rather gentle compared to some of what I lived with. But they are there. They are times when I can identify what happened clearly as rape. The psychologist I was seeing noted in a report she wrote for me that these events still cause a considerable amount of distress for me when I remember them. That is very true, not so much for the actual assaults themselves but for the fact they were among the few times I clearly said no. It is impossible to define it as anything else but rape when you know you have said no, regardless of who the perpetrator is. These assaults were very much the beginning of the end. They affected me so deeply inside. I went from wanting to try and make things work but working towards a future where I could be self-sufficient and support my kids to knowing I had to get out, sooner rather than later, if I was to survive.
I have grown so much in the past couple of years since those assaults. I am now physically safe and living a life that, while not perfect, is so much happier and healthier for myself and my children. I have also grown enough to acknowledge that yes, these things hurt and are going to go on hurting for a long time. It is not as simple as saying it happened x number of years ago and therefore I am/should be over it. I may never be over it. I will always remember and in some ways I am glad because the lessons I learned, while extremely painful, will hopefully help keep me safer in the future.
The best anniversary I have in January is that of the birth of my first child. He is twelve now and growing up so fast. But even this is tinged with a little sadness. Birthdays are a special time, especially for children. A time to celebrate with family. My kids do still get to do this, well, with their parents. But not at the same time any more. I feel, sometimes, like I have taken something important away from them in this regard. I know that the reality is quite different, but still the feelings remain.
Another anniversary should have been a happy one, at least for the first eleven years it was celebrated. But the truth is it rarely was. I am talking about my wedding anniversary. As I am legally still married I guess it is still a legitmate anniversary but not one I wish to celebrate anymore. I have so few good memories of my wedding anniversaries. Rarely did we make an effort to celebrate. In fact I think we only had a couple where we even managed to have a meal together without the kids. I always thought of wedding anniversaries as a special event in a couples life; an indication of the years they have travelled together. And I feel a deep sadness inside me when I hear how my friends celebrate theirs. I am envious and wish I could have similar memories to hold onto to remind myself that it wasn't all bad. But along with that envy is also some guilt and shame. Guilt and shame that I could not make a success of my marriage. So much of the responsibility for making a marriage work falls on the shoulders of women, or maybe it is just the perception of it does. I guess it doesn't matter much which. My wedding anniversary is an annual reminder of failure, and I just don't do failure well. I know that it wasn't my failure but somehow I still feel the weight of it on my shoulders.
The other anniversaries this month are of times I would rather forget. Two of the most obvious sexual assaults in my marriage happened in January. They were not the worst or the most violent. In fact they were rather gentle compared to some of what I lived with. But they are there. They are times when I can identify what happened clearly as rape. The psychologist I was seeing noted in a report she wrote for me that these events still cause a considerable amount of distress for me when I remember them. That is very true, not so much for the actual assaults themselves but for the fact they were among the few times I clearly said no. It is impossible to define it as anything else but rape when you know you have said no, regardless of who the perpetrator is. These assaults were very much the beginning of the end. They affected me so deeply inside. I went from wanting to try and make things work but working towards a future where I could be self-sufficient and support my kids to knowing I had to get out, sooner rather than later, if I was to survive.
I have grown so much in the past couple of years since those assaults. I am now physically safe and living a life that, while not perfect, is so much happier and healthier for myself and my children. I have also grown enough to acknowledge that yes, these things hurt and are going to go on hurting for a long time. It is not as simple as saying it happened x number of years ago and therefore I am/should be over it. I may never be over it. I will always remember and in some ways I am glad because the lessons I learned, while extremely painful, will hopefully help keep me safer in the future.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
If music be the food of life......
...play on; give me excess of it....
William Shakespeare - Twelth Night
Music is something that has got me through a lot of hard times. When things were at their worst it didn't matter what it was, so long as it was loud. Then a friend introduced me to the music of Within Temptation. Several of their songs touched me; more than that they spoke the words I couldn't say. Some of my favourites, songs that speak to me or are words I wish I could find, are Stand My Ground, Destroyed and Overcome. If it was possible to wear out cds I would have done so within weeks of getting them.
Early last year I was extremely lucky to get to meet Kasey Chambers and Beccy Cole, two of Australia's best female country music artists. Both are amazing women. Kasey's song, Not Pretty Enough, is one that I think I will always identify with because I have always felt I have had to be 'enough' for all the people in my life, be it my family, friends, or workmates. I think this is something I will struggle with for a long time to come. Kasey's new cd, Little Bird, also has songs with which I identify. The title track is one and Beautiful Mess is another. Beccy Cole has so many songs that I identify with it would be impossible to name them all. She has also done some amazing cover versions that just blow me away. Better Woman, Lazybones, Strong Enough to Bend....the list goes on. If you want to hear a fantastic cover of the Divinyls Pleasure and Pain check out Beccy's myspace page.
Like many other survivors of sexual assault I have found that the music of Tori Amos really touches something inside me, particularly from the Little Earthquakes cd. It seems almost a cliche but it is true, she understands because she has been there. Precious Things and Silent All These Years, and of course Me and a Gun, all show how I have felt at times.
I could go on and on with this. Music is a part of my life, a part of who I am. It helps me express how I am feeling and things I want to say. At the moment the song that is in my mind the most is Reflections by Diana Ross and the Supremes. Part of the reason for this is because I am currently working my way through a dvd set of the China Beach tv series, for which Reflections is the opening theme, the other part is because it speaks, in part, of my life now, and my need to reflect on what happened and how it has affected me.
Reflections - Diana Ross and the Supremes
Through the mirror of my mind
Time after time
I see reflections of you and me
Reflections of
The way life used to be
Reflections of
The love you took from me
Oh, I'm all alone now
No love to shield me
Trapped in a world
That's a distorted reality
Hapiness you took from me
And left me alone
With only memories
Through the mirror of my mind
Through these tears that I'm crying
Reflects a hurt I can't control
'Cause although you're gone
I keep holding on
To the happy times
Oh, when you were mine
As I peer through the window
Of lost time
Looking over my yesterdays
And all the love I gave all in vain
(All the love) All the love
That I've wasted
(All the tears) All the tears
That I've tasted
All in vain
Through the hollow of my tears
I see a dream that's lost
From the hurt
That you have caused
Everywhere I turn
Seems like everything I see
Reflects the love that used to be
In you I put
All my faith and trust
Right before my eyes
My world has turned to dust
After all the nights
I sat alone and wept
Just a handful of promisses
Are all that's left of loving you
Reflections of
The way life used to be
Reflections of
The love you took from me
In you I put
All my faith and trust
Right before my eyes
My world has turned to dust...
William Shakespeare - Twelth Night
Music is something that has got me through a lot of hard times. When things were at their worst it didn't matter what it was, so long as it was loud. Then a friend introduced me to the music of Within Temptation. Several of their songs touched me; more than that they spoke the words I couldn't say. Some of my favourites, songs that speak to me or are words I wish I could find, are Stand My Ground, Destroyed and Overcome. If it was possible to wear out cds I would have done so within weeks of getting them.
Early last year I was extremely lucky to get to meet Kasey Chambers and Beccy Cole, two of Australia's best female country music artists. Both are amazing women. Kasey's song, Not Pretty Enough, is one that I think I will always identify with because I have always felt I have had to be 'enough' for all the people in my life, be it my family, friends, or workmates. I think this is something I will struggle with for a long time to come. Kasey's new cd, Little Bird, also has songs with which I identify. The title track is one and Beautiful Mess is another. Beccy Cole has so many songs that I identify with it would be impossible to name them all. She has also done some amazing cover versions that just blow me away. Better Woman, Lazybones, Strong Enough to Bend....the list goes on. If you want to hear a fantastic cover of the Divinyls Pleasure and Pain check out Beccy's myspace page.
Like many other survivors of sexual assault I have found that the music of Tori Amos really touches something inside me, particularly from the Little Earthquakes cd. It seems almost a cliche but it is true, she understands because she has been there. Precious Things and Silent All These Years, and of course Me and a Gun, all show how I have felt at times.
I could go on and on with this. Music is a part of my life, a part of who I am. It helps me express how I am feeling and things I want to say. At the moment the song that is in my mind the most is Reflections by Diana Ross and the Supremes. Part of the reason for this is because I am currently working my way through a dvd set of the China Beach tv series, for which Reflections is the opening theme, the other part is because it speaks, in part, of my life now, and my need to reflect on what happened and how it has affected me.
Reflections - Diana Ross and the Supremes
Through the mirror of my mind
Time after time
I see reflections of you and me
Reflections of
The way life used to be
Reflections of
The love you took from me
Oh, I'm all alone now
No love to shield me
Trapped in a world
That's a distorted reality
Hapiness you took from me
And left me alone
With only memories
Through the mirror of my mind
Through these tears that I'm crying
Reflects a hurt I can't control
'Cause although you're gone
I keep holding on
To the happy times
Oh, when you were mine
As I peer through the window
Of lost time
Looking over my yesterdays
And all the love I gave all in vain
(All the love) All the love
That I've wasted
(All the tears) All the tears
That I've tasted
All in vain
Through the hollow of my tears
I see a dream that's lost
From the hurt
That you have caused
Everywhere I turn
Seems like everything I see
Reflects the love that used to be
In you I put
All my faith and trust
Right before my eyes
My world has turned to dust
After all the nights
I sat alone and wept
Just a handful of promisses
Are all that's left of loving you
Reflections of
The way life used to be
Reflections of
The love you took from me
In you I put
All my faith and trust
Right before my eyes
My world has turned to dust...
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