I am currently deep into research on IPSV for a unit of study for my degree in Social Science. It isn't the first time I have used my experiences as the basis of an assignment but I don't think I have delved quite so deeply into the subject before. And, as with every other time I have done so, it is bringing up a lot of things for me, things I believed that I had sorted, so it is a bit disconcerting that they can make me question my experiences. Again.
I don't discuss the details of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex very often. I feel like I did enough of that during the relationship; often in now embarrassing detail. When I did discuss it others had, at times, described his abuse of me as sadistic. And looking at it I can see that they are right. Some of the things he did to me were just sick; the type of things you might see in some of the more extreme forms of pornography. In all honesty it shocks and disgusts me that a person can do that sort of thing to someone they profess to love. And it shocks and disgusts me that I was the person who it was done to, and that I didn't fight it at the time.
I think that one of the main reasons I didn't fight some of the more extreme things he did to me was that they became normalised. I don't mean that they were normal, because they weren't. They were painful and humiliating and will, in some ways, haunt me for the rest of my life. But within the relationship they became the norm.
Normalising sadistic behaviours is a long process, and one aimed at surviving with some semblance of sanity intact. But at the same time it conspired to keep me in a situation that should have become intolerable a lot earlier. So how did it work?
For me it started with having my comfort zone pushed. This isn't always a bad thing. I was pretty inexperienced when I entered the relationship. Trying new things can be exciting, fun, and, sometimes, extremely pleasurable. But sometimes those things can be painful and extremely disturbing to the sense of self. How can a person, especially one with so little sexual experience, reconcile their body responding to painful and degrading acts with pleasure? Accepting arousal, and even orgasm, as a purely physical sensation is not easy. Let's face it; popular literature sells the big O as the be all and end all. Good sex is supposed to end in the simultaneous orgasm of two loving partners. Bells ring and fireworks explode. Nowhere do romantic novels talk about pain making the body respond as if it has been receiving pleasure.
Slowly but surely the comfort zone was pushed further and further. And when something he did hurt but made my body respond as if it had been pleasured it was hard to object. And when I didn't object this time it meant that I didn't feel like I had a right to the next time. Even if I did object it often meant nothing. If I complained something hurt he would stop, but only for a few minutes before he did it again. If I refused or objected to doing something he would, more often than not, just do it anyway. It would be nice to think he didn't know what he was doing but that sort of denial is what kept me in the relationship for far too long. After all, when you tie something around a person's wrist and they pull the other away so you can't tie that one as well its a pretty good indicator that they aren't consenting. If you then tie it to something else instead it shows that consent really isn't an issue that will get in the way of you having a good time.
So the sadistic became normalised. How long the effects of that will last is impossible to say. If I can accept that then maybe I can begin to accept that surviving with my sanity intact has been a true achievement. And maybe by talking about it someone else who has been through something similar, or still is, will understand and accept that it isn't their fault.
