One legacy of the Intimate Partner Sexual Violence I survived (and other incidents of sexual violence earlier in my life) is that I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. On a really good day this doesn't mean much. I might be a little more vigalent about the noises the house makes as it settles at night, and maybe some anxiety when I am driving. On a really bad day it can be nearly paralysing. Every unexpected sounds makes me jump out of my skin, loud noise makes me feel physically ill, sleep is a joke and nightmares are common.
The reality is, though, that most days fall somewhere in between those two extremes. So what is a normal day like?
A normal day sees my anxiety levels increase steadily so that by the time the kids go to bed I have a hard time settling enough to concentrate on anything. I have my routine and I stick to it. Anything that breaks that routine feels like a catastrophy. Some days I am paralysed by indecision and nothing gets done. It feels as if there is so much to do that I just do nothing. Other days I do everything in a near manic state.
If I do have to go out it is carefully planned. I have to arrive where I am going early because being an hour early is easier to cope with than being five minutes late. I plan what time I will have to leave to ensure that I will be able to pick the kids up on time. I consider who I am seeing and how hard I will need to work on being 'normal'. If the day goes well then my anxiety levels will return to their usual level of a low, background rumble. If anything doesn't go to plan, if I say more than I mean to, if any number of different things occur, then my mood will drop severely and my anxiety will increase.
Driving anywhere, especially when I am tired, can be a drama. Handbrake starts at red lights can bring me to near panic, as can sharing the road with trucks. By the time I have finished all the runnning around for the day I am generally emotionally drained and therefore less tolerant of the kids being...well, being kids, I guess. By the time they go to bed I will frequently be so restless as to not be able to settle to anything or my mood too low to feel that I can connect with anyone. It is an effort on those nights to make contact with anyone, be it family or friends. At the same time it is the time of day when I crave contact the most. A house where you are the only one awake can feel dreadfully lonely.
As the evening wears on I watch the clock, mentally calculating how soon I need to be asleep to get eight hours sleep that night. Yet I rarely manage to get myself to bed by that time. I stick to a set routine to settle myself at night in the hopes that I can quiet my brain enough to actually sleep. Some nights it works. Other nights I will toss and turn and berate myself for things that have happened during the day, or things I should have said or done. Eventually I sleep, only to have to do it all again about 6 hours later.
I know that the anxiety and depression I live with is a direct result of having been traumatised. I know that the PTSD sypmtoms can flare up unexpectedly for any reason, or no reason at all. I know, logically, that things will get better with time and that I am the only person who expects me to be 'normal' all of the time. I know that isolating myself and beating up on myself for my reactions only makes things worse. I know all of this yet it is still so very hard to deal with. PTSD is a fact of life for me, and probably always will be to some degree. But it can also be very isolating because it is so hard to explain to others. There are tjhings in life that you simply cannot "just get over." I am lucky that I have many people in my life who understand and accept that of me. Maybe one day I will be able to accept it in myself.
Carz
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