Like many women who have lived or are living with domestic violence I paid a price for my marriage. In my case the price was regular sexual, emotional and mental abuse that have left me with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. The things I lived with, the things I survived, left me feeling broken beyond repair.
I lost so many things because of the abuse I suffered. I lost friends; partly due to geographical distance but also due to the fact that I could not bring myself to keep contact with people who knew me before. I didn't want them to know something was wrong. In part, I think, because I blamed myself but also largely because I didn't think anybody would understand.
I lost a part of me that was able to not just ask for help but accept it when it was offered. I did not believe I deserved help, that I was worth the effort. I know now that I had friend's keeping a very close eye on me. Friends who, if they didn't see me for a couple of days running, would ask the kids how I was. Friends who were begging me to accept their help and support.
I also nearly lost my life. Suicidal ideation is very common amongst victims of both sexual and domestic violence. In my case I truly believed there was no other way to make it stop. And all I wanted was for it to stop.
Ending the marriage and gaining physical safety does not mean I have regained those things I lost. Nor does it mean I have stopped losing things.
I lost the financial stabilty of having a wage earner in the house. Centrelink payments and child support help (and I count myself lucky I do get good child support. Many others do not) but the truth is I am now running a house on those payments but still have three people to support.
I have lost the stability that comes with being a property owner. Until the house was sold, as a part of the property settlement, my children and I knew where we belonged. It didn't matter so much if a wall got marked or a carpet stained. Now, as a renter, I have to fight to keep the place in as close to the same condition as it was when we moved in as possible. I am also subject to the whim of the owner. Instead of having a safe, stable base, I have found that the owner of the property has been trying to sell it for some time, a fact nobody told me before I signed the lease. The kids and I now face the same situation we were in before - waiting for a house to sell and not knowing how long we have before we will, again, have to find somewhere else to live.
I have, in many ways, lost my family. While my siblings know what has happened my father, step-mother and grandmother do not. And I can't bring myself to tell them. One of that trio still refuses to accept that I have made a considered decision and actually know what I am doing. Instead they continue to express disappointment about the separation and hope for reconcilliation. This makes contacting my family uncomfortable and I delay doing so.
I have lost the physical pressence of another adult in my house. Okay, maybe he was more trouble than he was worth but he was another adult; someone who was there if the kids got sick or something needed fixing urgently.
Other things I have lost are less tangible. My self-esteem and self- confidence have both suffered drastic blows and are taking a long time to recover; my sense of self-worth is still extremely shakey. I have lost the ability to trust easily and see the best in others. I have lost a part of my life that I can never get back.
Yet, in many ways, I count myself lucky. Without discounting what I have been through I can see that it could have been a whole lot worse. I could have lost my children. Domestic violence is a child protection issue and children living in a family where the domestic violence occurs are deemd to be at risk. I know of more than one woman who has had their children removed by welfare authorities and, even long after ending the violent relationship, are fighting to get them back.
I could have lost my life. Murder by a current or past intimate partner does happen. In Australia it happens to around 80 women a year.
I could have lost the essential part of me that cares, for my children, for others. If I had lost that then the odds are I would still be in the marriage.
And I can't say I have gained nothing from the marriage. I have two children I adore, many friends I would never have made, and a passion for a cause. I think of these things as compensation, rather than gains. A little something to help me keep going. I can't say if the cost they have come at is too high because I can't change what happened to me. But I can make it count.
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