Victimisation as privilege, and acting for the Silenced: Or, "My Psychic Scars are Bigger than Yours"

An interesting weekend had led me to once again dust off the blog and say a few choice words that I can't say elsewhere without censure or censorship (or maybe just a verbal/written arse kicking).

As those who know me know, I try, in my own quiet way, to advocate for those who are or have been in circumstances similar to mine. While they may not be ready to use their voices I can use mine and hopefully be heard, while ensuring those I advocate for know that they aren't alone in their battles. I don't pretend to be representative of all women who have experienced intimate partner sexual violence, rape and sexual assault, and/or domestic violence, but I hope that by sharing my story I can make a small difference. In my naivety I hoped that all advocates worked in much the same way. Indeed, those I admire most do. But alas it isn't true for all victim/survivor advocates.

Victimisation as Privilege 
 Lately I have come across a small but very outspoken number of advocates who seem to wear their victimisation as a badge of privilege. I am not suggesting that their trauma isn't real, or that it is less important than mine, but I am objecting to the fact that they use their victimisation as a weapon against others, and as a justification for denigrating other people and services.  

On a website which I frequent (which shall remain nameless to protect the innocent, or at least me from getting into trouble and not being welcome there anymore) a frequent contributor has taken to screaming "What about me? at regular intervals. Rather than acknowledge what is being posted as a reality for at least the original contributor they use it as an opportunity to explain why exactly they are so down trodden, marginalised and silenced. Now yes, their circumstances are some that do tend to be minimalised by a large section of society. But screaming "What about me?" every time something doesn't fit their circumstances does nothing more than shut down discussion and make other users feel as if their problems simply aren't problematic enough, thus continuing their silencing. The best example is the constant cry of "What about MEN (as it always seems to need capitalisation)?" in discussions about everything from cancer and rape to domestic violence and divorce.  Small hint; talking about one person or group's experience does not take away from another person or group. If anything it opens up wider communication for everyone.

Take rape, for example: The second-wave feminists made huge strides in having it seen as a social issue. They fought for and developed support services, legislative change and definitional change. Yes, they did this primarily for women. However, by starting the conversation they have made it possible to acknowledge the rape of men and boys. Stating the gendered nature of intimate partner violence, rape and sexual assault is not a slap in the face to the males of the species. Nor is it blaming all men for the actions of perpetrators. And most of all it is not labelling different experiences as non-existent, not important or less damaging. It is simply putting forward a theoretical standpoint that happens to have a lot of research to support it, and reflects the lived experiences of many.

Unfortunately there seems to be a small pool of advocates who aren't willing to accept that. Instead they want to make it all about them. They look at the research and services and demand equal or better, that addresses their own specific circumstances, and they want it now, preferably with as much fanfare and kow-towing as possible to their greatness and position of privilege. What they aren't prepared to do is work for what they want. "Breast cancer gets umpteen million dollars in funding and support - right, give us the same for prostate cancer." And when it isn't forthcoming then they complain that it is because their chosen cause isn't "sexy" enough (I would love to know where all these people who think that any sort of cancer is sexy are. I've certainly never met any of them.) They discount the work put in by people that have been effected by the cause personally, and they most certainly won't get off their privileged arses and work for the cause they believe in. Nope, instead it's all "political" or a conspiracy against them personally.

Victimisation as a Right to be a Perpetrator
Recently I came across a Facebook group called Sex Assault is No Joke, a front for the advocacy group Rape Is No Joke (RINJ). I thought their aims were wonderful; to rid Facebook of groups that are supportive of using rape as a basis for humour.  I decided to "like" them and kept a periodic eye on their activities. That is until Saturday when I came across a post I disagreed with. I commented on the post, politely and respectfully. I did not swear, nor did I denigrate others. I just pointed out what I believed to be errors. I would send you a link to the post and my comments but I have been blocked and my comments removed. Yep, RINJ seems to think that they way to deal with differing opinions to to remove them and prevent people from commenting. I complained about this elsewhere, but truly wasn't too worried. It was obvious that this was a group I wanted nothing to do with.  A friend was not impressed, both with RINJ's treatment of me, and of a victim blaming post that was obviously considered appropriate by those in charge. She made her feelings known and a shit-storm ensued, during which it came out that many others have become disillusioned with RINJ. One person commenting is one of the organisers of RINJ. She accused me of making a racist slur (something that still both upsets and pisses me off) and managed to tell an amazing group of women, many of whom are survivors or rape, sexual assault, and/or domestic violence, that we knew nothing. This person used her victimisation as a reason to be a bully and exhibit attitudes commonly seen in many perpetrators.  (I must say how proud I am of the other women caught in this shit-storm as none of them felt the need to stoop to this person's level, although flinging hurtful, denigrating comments would have been easy. Yet compassion for what this person had been through was what shone through.)

Victimisation is never a reason to become a bully or to act in the same manner as a perpetrators. While these is some evidence to show that the victimised sometimes come to be the victimiser there are a heck of a lot of people out there who don't feel the need to do so. Instead they understand the damage that has been done to them and will do anything and everything they can to stop it happening to anyone else. This person though, was like a husband who, while being emotionally and sexually violent, can honestly stand among his mates and declare that he has never hit a woman, and come out smelling like roses, and leaving his victim wondering what the hell is wrong with them.

So let us be clear: Being a victim does not make you someone special. It does not give you privileges over others. It does not give you the right to be a bully. It does however make you a person who needs support and help. Ask me for that and I will be beside you all the way. Trying to make yourself into the biggest, most misunderstood, most marginalised and minimised person in existence however will see me walk away from you and your cause. I do not need it and I don't need you. And I will do my damnedest to make sure others know who and what you're really about.