Parenting, PTSD, and Pre-Menstrual Meltdowns

I'm feeling a bit sad and sorry for myself tonight as the monthly pity party hits. Tomorrow or the next day all will be good with the world again but right now I need to get some stuff off my chest and out of my head., cry a few tears, and try and find centre again.

When I was 11 I read a book called Puberty Blues. A true life account of two girls growing up as surfer chicks in the Sutherland Shire of Sydney in the late 1970s. It is a brutally honest account of sex and sexism, of a time called safer and more innocent, when kids smoked, drank, fucked, sucked, and did what it took to fit in.It is not a hard book to read. Not long, or particularly taxing for the mind or emotions. But it is also not a book suitable for an 11 year old to read. Even more, it is not a book for a kid to read when it is not followed up with an alternative world view.

I clearly remember buying Puberty Blues. I bought it with my own money at the newsagent in Rochester. It was the summer of 1981/1982. A year earlier I have been sexually assaulted by my mother's cousin - something I didn't speak about or even remember for a very long time. Despite that I was naive, innocent. My sister had read Puberty Blues. It was in the high school library. She was 14 at the time. My mother had read the book at my sister's urging. They had always had a good relationship. I bought and read the book with my mother's permission. I don't remember what my dad had to say about it. Probably nothing.  So I read the book and that same summer saw the movie with an older friend.

In the book Debbie and Sue, the main characters, were 13, in the movie (because of censorship laws at the time) they were 16. Not so much older than me. The things they did didn't seem to be all that different from what my sister and her girlfriends did. And I knew from reading my sister's diary that she was no innocent. These things were real. Not the feel good sitcoms from the USA, or the stories my mother told of being a teenager in Rabaul, PNG, with houseboys and dances that registered on the earthquake scale of the small volcanic island. And dad never talked of his teen years. Ever.

So I was a sponge sopping up a lot of information that wasn't tempered at home. Nor was it tempered at school. Despite attending an alternative high school where we called teachers by their first names and did a lot of creative and performing arts, it was still, in many ways, stuck in the traditional gender models of the 1980s. I learned that I was supposed to flirt with boys at the Blue Light discos. That I was meant to let them kiss me, and touch me. But it never happened for me. Maybe I was too needy. Or too scared. Whatever. But I felt like a failure because I wasn't doing what I saw as normal. I did meet a boy at a camp, and let him do things to me. Something I was 'encouraged' to do by some people I thought were friends. But providence, or fear, stopped it from going too far. I wasn't even 13 at the time. And at that age I saw myself as a failure.

Puberty Blues wasn't the only book I was allowed to read at too young an age. I also read Sarah T: Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic - a book which contains a scene of the main character trading sex with a group of boys/men in exchange for a bottle of booze. Then there was Go Ask Alice - the published diary of a teenage drug addict, and H (also known as Christianne F), the story of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute. All of these I read before I was 14. I also read Sybil too. All of these books were available in the school library. In fact it was because of me that the school library instituted a policy of requiring parental permission to borrow particular books. You see I would read them and talk about them to my friends. Those friends would then want to read the books, only some parents weren't impressed with what they were reading and complained. Day one of each school year from about year 9 up I would walk into the library with a note from my mum giving me blanket permission to read any book I wanted to. I don't know what my teachers thought about it. Nobody ever said to me that the books weren't suitable. I was a precocious reader and they pandered to that.

At home there was also a lot of things that happened that now, as a parent, make me cringe. I can remember my parents talking openly about watching 'blue movies', and doing so in company of other adults. Porn, in other words, although by today's standards it would be considered very tame (Hey, I was a kid. I knew where the video tapes were kept and I watched them. Frankly they did nothing for me). I can also remember being allowed as a teenager to watch some movies that were highly inappropriate. Two stand out, both of them R rated: The Evil Dead, which was considered THE horror movie of the day. Frankly it was bloody awful and we laughed our way through it. The other movie was Caligula. My mum had borrowed that one for my sister. I don't remember much of it. Just one scene really. A young couple went to Caligula's palace/temple/whatever, to ask his permission to marry. Caligula asked if they were virgins, to which both said yes. He then proceeded to rape both of them. The scene ended with Caligula walking out of the chamber while the coupld both writhed in pain and humiliation at what he had done. Even writing about it makes me feel sick. There is no way that was appropriate for a teenager. There is a reason it was an R rated movie.

So basically I look back and see that I had some pretty fucked influences in my life. Things that should have been tempered by my parents. Or maybe they just should have been restricted. After all, isn't parenting about protecting kids from the things they are too young or immature to understand. Just because a person can read a book doesn't meant they are able to comprehend it.

(This is getting very long, sorry)

So this year a TV series of Puberty Blues has been screening. Only eight episodes but they no longer call that a mini-series. It has triggered me big time. The girls ages are left deliberately non-defined, but they look young. The essence of the book is there, more so than the movie in my opinion. I have watched all seven episodes that have screened. I have done that despite being triggered at some point during every episode. I don't know if I am trying to torture myself, or to prove that it doesn't really have the power to hurt me anymore, or what exactly. But it has made my PTSD something I have had to cope with again, rather than it being a niggly thing I am barely aware of most of the time. And tonight I began to get angry. Not at the TV series, or at the book. Not even at the authors who wrote the book. No, I am angry at my parents. I am angry because they didn't protect me. Not that they didn't protect me from my mum's cousin, of the boy at the camp. Or even from the 24 year old I dated at 16. No I am angry because they didn't protect me from the emotional consequences that books like Puberty Blues can have. I'm angry because they allowed sex to be not normalised but trivialised. I am angry that I was allowed to grow up not thinking that sex was something special to be shared with someone you love, but that it was something to be given to anyone who asked for it, or even just wanted to take it. I am angry that saying no to sex was never discussed at all. How do you grow up not knowing you can say no? So I am angry. Fuming even. Angry for a lost childhood. Angry for a lost normal, healthy sexuality. And angry that I now have to try and teach my own kids these things that I know virtually nothing about.

I know parenting doesn't come with an instruction book. I know that it is easy, as the child, to see how our parents fucked up big time. I know that I will make mistakes with my own kids (but hopefully nothing so damaging). Maybe I will always be an over-protective parent but I also think for my sanity I have to be. And you can be sure that my kids won't be reading Puberty Blues any time soon.

On Being Objectified

I came across this article XXX Olympiad Perving on The Hoopla today and I must admit it has left me a little disturbed. The author admits to objectifying people. She states that "Whether it is of men or of women, objectification is not in itself an unwholesome act."

  I'm sorry!?! You have no problem with objectifying people? I queried the possible hypocrisy of the article, in the comments section,  on the grounds that we object to the objectification of women. The author came back saying she wouldn't want to have sex with someone who didn't objectify her at least a little.

WTF???? Seriously????

Let me tell you Ms Razer about being objectified by someone who wants to have sex with you. But first, a definition:

From the Online Dictionary (and it is the same as in the Macquarie Concise Dictionary on my desk):

ob·jec·ti·fy

 [uhb-jek-tuh-fahy] Show IPA

verb (used with object), ob·jec·ti·fied, ob·jec·ti·fy·ing.

to present as an object,  especially of sight, touch, or other physical sense; make objective; externalize.

Okay, so to objectify a person is to see them as an object, not as a person. Can we at least agree on that much?

Apparently not. It would seem that in her comments (which are in response to mine) that Ms Razer confuses objectify and admire. I can admire somebody's physical appearance and still see them as a person . That is not, in my book, objectifying a person. Seeing them wholly and solely as something, an object, is very different.

I would like to share what it is like to be objectified by somebody who wants to have sex with you, as I experienced it. I am not saying that all people who objectify others are like my ex, or that all such people are rapists. 

                                              *                           *                              *

I am separated from a man who objectified me regarding sex. He saw me as something to be used for his pleasure. It wasn't always like that, especially in the beginning, but by the end of our marriage it was. Every night he would come to bed and when he decided it was time, would do one of two things. If I was already trying to sleep he would grab my hand, drag it over to his genitals, and use it to start masturbating himself, like it was just something warm and soft to use, as an alternative to using his own hand. If, however, I was still reading, which I did on my side with my back to him, he would spoon up behind me, reach one hand over and grab my breast, while grinding his penis against my back and/or bottom. If I ignored him while doing this he would progress through "foreplay" to intercourse, even if I was still reading my book. It was obvious that, for the most part, he did not give a shit about what I wanted. I was there for him to use. I was an object.

Most times I didn't object. It is easier to stay quiet and say nothing than to say no and have it ignored. And I did have it ignored; when I was sick, when I was upset, when our children were awake in another room, when other people were in the same room. But by staying quiet you can fool yourself. You can convince yourself that it wasn't rape. You can tell yourself that by not saying no you gave consent. Even as you work your way through the trauma, and come to terms with the fact that the PTSD you have been diagnosed with is a life long condition, to be managed as say diabetes or epilepsy is, you can still, in the small dark spaces of your mind, hold on to the fact that you didn't say no (well, not all the time) and that it might all be a great big misunderstanding.

I truly hope, Ms Razer, that you never have sex with someone who objectifies you. Instead my wish for you is that you only have moments of intimacy with people who love, admire and cherish you. I also hope that you will continue to admire the human form, male and female, while remembering that they are people and not objects.

 

When Worlds Collide

A few weeks ago I was attending an event being held by the organisation I did my first uni field placement with last year. While the placement was maybe not ideally suited to me (or me to it) I did enjoy being around the people and made some good friends. I try to touch base occasionally and to support such events. An ex staff member, D, who I got along with very well was also attending, and we sat together, taking the opportunity to catch up with each other.

During the course of the event I realised that I knew one of the people who stood up to speak. M had been the Indigenous liaison worker at the domestic violence service that assisted me in the lead up to and immediate aftermath of ending my marriage. This person had been the first professional to treat me as an equal and an individual. When she left the DV service I missed her. Over the past couple of years I have run into her a couple of times but it had been quite awhile since the last time. She noticed me in the crowd and smiled and waved at me. During the lunch break we made a beeline for eachother and spent the break talking and catching up.

So the situation was I had been sitting with one friend who knew nothing about my experiences, and caught up with another who had seen me at my absolute worst.

During the lunch break D asked how M and I knew each other. There was a very pregnant pause and I knew I had a decision to make. I could lie and hide or I could be honest. M would support me either way, that was a given (provided the story I told wasn't too extreme).

I chose the latter. I said outright that M had been working at the DV service when I reached out for help towards the end of my abusive marriage. Then I waited for the world to end.

Only it didn't.

D and I talked later and she told me she had suspected but didn't actually know. I had kept quiet about my experiences while at my placement. I didn't think people needed to know. And more than that I wanted to be me - student, not me - victim/survivor. If people didn't ask I didn't say anything. If people did ask I said the minimum. With D I didn't talk details and she didn't ask for them. There was no judgement or shame or disgust. There was just an open acceptance, and the hand of friendship. Something I really needed.

I don't think that I had ever considered that my separate little worlds might collide, or what I would or could do if they did. While there was a moment of absolute terror about exposing myself there was also a reasonable assessment about who I was disclosing to, and a trust in that person that it would be treated with empathy.

While, by the time I left the event, there was some small measure of anxiety (the type that says "Oh shit, I really shouldn't have said that.") generally I felt some relief that sometimes when worlds collide they meld rather than crash.

My research project

I had a few friends who were interested in reading this so I thought this was the easiest way to share.  This assignment received a Distinction grade.

Intimate Partner Sexual Violence: A Review of Current Literature and Consideration of Possible Future Research Directions

Intimate Partner Sexual Violence (IPSV) is the subject of an ever growing body of peer-reviewed and non-academic literature. From the ground-breaking studies of the late 1970s and 1980s until now a lot has been learned about the rape of women by current and past intimate partners. Drawing on thirty years of research, and reviewing literature from academics, activists, service providers and survivors, this essay will explore the subject of Intimate Partner Sexual Violence, and consider possible future research directions.

The term IPSV was chosen for this essay as it covers the diversity of relationships and types of sexual violence in which IPSV may be seen. However it does not highlight the gendered nature of this type of violence, with women overwhelmingly the victims of their male partners (Heenan, 2004). It is this dynamic that is covered in the majority of IPSV literature, and therefore this essay. The term victim has been used in this essay to acknowledge that IPSV is something that is done to a person against their will. Throughout this essay the voices of the victims have been used to illustrate the discussion and to remind readers that, regardless of the volume of research available, this is a very human issue that deserves to be given a human voice.

DEFINING THE ISSUE:

Intimate Partner Sexual Violence (IPSV) is one of the currently used terms for sexual violence perpetrated against a person by a past or current intimate partner. It is also known as Intimate Partner Sexual Assault, and wife, partner, or spouse rape. The term intimate partner is used for two reasons; firstly it acknowledges that the specific dynamic and consequences of this type of sexual violence can occur in relationships other than marriage; and secondly it is acknowledges that both females and males can be perpetrators and victims, and that it can occur in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. However, IPSV is overwhelmingly a form of gendered violence with female victims of male perpetrators being the most commonly seen dynamic (Heenan, 2004).  The terms sexual violence and sexual abuse are used because they more fully encompass the wide range of sexual behaviour that may occur. IPSV is generally one part of a wider pattern of abuse that can include battery, emotional and psychological abuse, reproductive coercion and control, and geographic and social isolation (Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006) however, Russell warns that “Wife rape cannot, and must not be subsumed under the battered women rubric.” (Russell, 1982, p. 101)

IPSV is a frequently seen sexual assault dynamic, with rapes by a current or past intimate partner accounting for over 26% of all reported rapes (Australian Bureau of Statistics, 2004). It is also commonly seen in relationships in which other forms of violence and abuse occur with up to 80% of women reporting physical battery within a relationship also reporting sexual violence (Evans, 2007; Russell, 1982). However Finkelhor and Yllo’s caution that “we must guard against replacing the old sanitary stereotype – that marital-rape is little more than a marital tiff – with a new stereotype – that marital-rape victims are all battered wives.” (Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985, p. 37), is an important reminder that “1% to 10% of women in nonbattering relationships have been found to report incidents of marital rape.” (Langhinrichsen-Rohling & Monson, 1998), and that for them traditional thought on battered women and their relationships may have little relevance.

There is no standard definition used across all the literature for IPSV, in part due to the varied and changing legal definitions of rape and consent. Russell’s seminal study into wife rape used a compromise between the then current legal definition of rape, which had a requirement of force, and feminist thought which saw all unwanted sexual intimacy as a form of rape (Russell, 1982, p. 43). More recent literature uses a definition of rape that relies on consent rather than force (Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006; Women's Health Goulburn North East, 2008), mirroring current legal definitions of rape and sexual assault, and consent (Government of Victoria, 2012; NSW Government, 2012).

IPSV can include a wide range of sexually abusive behaviours; from sexually abusive touch, and being forced to touch the abuser sexually, to vaginal, oral, and anal rape. It can also include being forced to view pornography, be involved in sadomasochistic sexual activity, or even being set up by the abuser for rape by others, including gang rape (Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006). Behaviours that affect reproductive and contraceptive choice, such as sabotaging or refusing access to contraception, refusing to use contraceptives, and refusing to permit a pregnant partner to have an abortion (McOrmond-Plummer, 2011) can also be included. “Pregnancy-controlling behaviors are certainly not exclusive to abusive relationships, but women experiencing partner violence appear to be at higher risk for experiencing reproductive coercion, and the experience of partner violence amplifies the impact of such coercion on women's risk for unintended pregnancy.” (Miller, 2010, p. 458) IPSV can be a one-off event or may happen repeatedly, with some 30% of victims reporting twenty or more incidents of rape by a partner, and the same number reporting one-off events (Russell, 1982).

One night, he came off the road and decided he was going to fulfil a fantasy of his own and ‘fuck’ his wife when he got home. He woke me up. I said no but he didn’t care. He was nearly three times my size so when it became clear he was going to do what he was going to do, I quit fighting and probably dissociated through the rest of it. (Jill)

(Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006, p. 26)

The rape happened several times. It was all through my marriage. It was all through the time before I was married.

(“Anne”, cited in Women's Health Goulburn North East, 2008, p. 27)

A high percentage of sex was without consent. Twice a day he would want sex and was never ever satisfied.

(“Rebecca”, cited in Women's Health Goulburn North East, 2008, p. 29)

Finkelhor and Yllo describe three main types of partner rape; battering rape, force-only rape, and obsessive rape (Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985). These three categories roughly equate to Groth’s typologies of rapists; the anger rapist, the power rapist, and the sadistic rapist (Groth, 1979, as cited in Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006). In battering rape the anger rapist is punishing his victim. There is a lot of overt violence and physical injury is common. The anger rapist in a domestic situation is typically a man who will use a lot of physical violence during the course of the relationship.

He was sometimes very violent during sex. He would hit, punch, or beat me during or prior to intercourse, or for refusing to submit. (Nichole)

(Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006, p. 69)

The power rapist, in what has been termed a force-only rape, uses only as much physical force as is necessary to complete the sexual act. This is may be limited to using their often superior size and strength to hold down and restrain their victim.

But I just knew there was no way to pass it off or get away… I didn’t want to, but I felt pinned down by his weight on top of me. I just wanted to get it over with.

(“Kayla”, cited in Bergen, 1995, p. 14)

The third type, obsessive rape, frequently has a ritualistic quality to it and may include elements of bondage and torture.

Melanie’s husband also had the customary predilection for unusual sexual activities: practicing anal intercourse, inserting objects into his wife’s vagina, tying her up.

                                                                      (Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985, p. 54)

Sadistic/obsessive rape is frequently linked to a perpetrators use of pornography (Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006; Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985). Both battering/anger and sadistic/obsessive rapes may result in physical injury and pain, however in battering rape the pain is used to punish the victim, while in sadistic/obsessive rapes the pain of the victim is used to arouse the perpetrator (Groth, 1979, as cited in Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985).

The staged rapes aroused him because they frightened her. His taste in pornography ran toward the brutal. This man needed to humiliate his wife in order to enjoy sex.

(Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985, p. 54)

LEGAL HISTORY AND LEGISLATION:

Until just over thirty years ago there were no laws in Australia, or the United States, against rape and sexual assault within marriages (Easteal, 1998; Russell, 1982)According to Woolley, there were four main justifications for these marital rape exemptions:

(1)according to biblical and Roman Law, a woman was the legal property of her husband, or father if unmarried; (2) the feudal doctrine of coverture stipulated that a woman’s independence was consolidated or subsumed into that of her husband, holding the married couple as one at law; (3) the reluctance of courts and law enforcement to interfere with private matters within a marriage; and (4) as Sir Mathew Hale, the Chief Justice in seventeenth-century England, proposed, marriage granted a wife’s ongoing and unbreakable consent to sexual intercourse.

(Woolley, 2007)

This last point is known as the Hale doctrine and is the basis in law for marital rape exemptions that existed in countries such as England, the United States of America and Australia. In 1736 Sir Matthew Hale said “But the husband cannot be guilty of rape committed by himself against his lawful wife, for by their mutual matrimonial consent and contract the wife hath given up herself in this kind unto her husband, which she cannot retract.” (quoted in Russell, 1982, p. 17). While there was no legal basis to support these words (Easteal, 1998), the Hale Doctrine became the basis in law for irrovecable sexual consent by women upon marriage.  Even now many American states retain some form of marital rape exemption, mostly relating to when the victim is unable to consent (Bergen, 1996). The arguments for the retention of the marital rape exemption include the right to privacy from legal interventions in the marital home, the belief that sexual assault by a spouse is not as harmful as that by a stranger, the theory that exemptions promote maintaining the marital relationship, and it protects men from false allegations made by vindictive wives (Easteal, 1998).

Marital rape exemptions have not existed in any Australian state or territory since 1987 (Easteal, 1998). However, Heenan considers this a technical point, believing that the justice system has not yet caught up with the legislation, as few cases make it to court (Heenan, 2004), and those IPSV cases that do make it into the criminal courts are among the most brutal, with severe co-occurring battery and resulting physical injury (Russell, 1982).  While legal rape definitions in Australia are dependent on a lack of free and willing consent (Government of Victoria, 2012; NSW Government, 2012), Australian courts have seen some controversy regarding rapes by a current or former partner, with the judge in one South Australian case declaring that a measure of rougher than normal handling as a means of persuasion to consent being acceptable, and a defence barrister in the ACT telling the court that consent given grudgingly or tearfully is still consent (Easteal, 1998), despite the legal definition requiring that it be given freely and willingly, without threat or coercion.

PREVALENCE AND INCIDENCE:

The most commonly used prevalence statistics for IPSV state that between 10% and 14% of women have experienced one or more incidents of rape or attempted rape by a past or current partner in their lifetime (Basile, 2002; Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985; Russell, 1982),however the differences between the means of data collection, survey population selection, and definitions used could present some difficulties in obtaining a truly accurate and consistent figure. Diana Russell’s prevalence rate of 14%, from her late 1970’s survey of 930 women is considered to be an accurate figure, as it was gained from a random sampling of women that is considered to be representitive of women in the survey area (Russell, 1982). This survery used a definition of rape that was a compromise between the legal definition, which required an element of force or an inability to consent and included only penile-vaginal penetration, and the feminist prefered definition, so that she included oral and anal rape as well. The women included in the survey were those who were, or had ever been, married or in a long-term co-habiting relationship (Russell, 1982). By contrast, Finkelhor and Yllo’s figure of 10% came from a survey that looked only at attempted or completed forcible rape. Their survey of 326 women came out of a larger study related to child sexual assault and included only women with children aged between six and fourteen years of age, completely excluding women with no children or whose children had left home (Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985). Prevalence figures taken from crime statistics include only those incidents that were reported to police and met the legal criteria for rape or sexual assault, and many victims do not report incidents of IPSV to the police (Women's Health Goulburn North East, 2008). 

With such disparate means of collecting information used it is understandable that there are still some questions regarding the true prevalence of IPSV, however the commonly used prevalence rates have been shown to be relatively consitent, despite the disparities. Australian figures are in line with the results from the USA, with the 1996 Women’s Safety Survey finding that 10% of women have been sexually assaulted by a current or former intimate partner. The same survey also found an annual incidence rate for IPSV of 0.12%, or approximately 24,500 women. While this looks to be a relatively small number it equates to some fifteen times the annual national road toll (Women's Health Goulburn North East, 2008).

The population groups not included in the surveys must be considered when assessing prevalence rates of IPSV. For example, in the Women’s Safety Survey women in prison or transitional housing (e.g. refuges), Indigenous Australian women, and women from non-English speaking backgrounds, and those living in rural and remote areas were “grossly under-represented or absent entirely from the ABS findings.” (Heenan, 2004, p. 11)  Many women who access refuges do so to escape from intimate partner violence. As many women who have been battered have also experienced rape by their abusive partner it would be reasonable to assume that they would have a higher rate of IPSV than the general population, and that their inclusion would have seen an increase in the incidence and prevalence rates.  There is evidence that suggests that “Aboriginal women in remote and regional areas are 45 times more likely to be victims of domestic violence than non-Aboriginal women.” (Heenan, 2004, p. 11), which in turn suggests that they are more likely to be victims of IPSV. In many surveys only women who have been married to, or in a long-term co-habiting relationship with the perpetrator have been included (Basile, 2002; Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985; Russell, 1982). This excludes women who have never lived with their abuser, particularly teens, although they too are vulnerable to rape and sexual assault by an intimate (Duncan & Western, 2011; Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006). Likewise, the types of assault included means that women whose experiences did not fit the definition of rape used, particularly where the authors have used a definition that has required an element of force and excluded other forms of coercion, are excluded. Some authors caution that these types of restriction on the population groups surveyed may have the effect of leading to prevalence rates underestimating the true rate of IPSV (Russell, 1982).

EFFECTS OF IPSV:

Victims of IPSV may suffer physical and/or psychological consequences from their experiences. IPSV has been shown to cause a wide range of physical injury, particularly if there is co-occurring battery.  Physical effects of IPSV include sexual injuries such as tearing and stretching of the genitals, urinary tract infections, sexually transmitted diseases including HIV and Hepatitis B, miscarriage, still birth, and infertility. There is also an increased risk of unwanted and unplanned pregnancy. Non-sexual injury such as bruising, bites, lacerations, and fractures may also occur, especially if a sexual assault is violent, as in the case of many anger and sadistic rapes (Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006).

I experienced some tearing that was not repaired and can cause me significant pain. (Summer)

Marg shares: ‘He was trying to get me pregnant. He said, “I want another kid – maybe that will shut you fucking up.”

(Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006, p. 121)

IPSV meets the Australian Psychological Society’s (APS) definition of a potentially traumatic event, in that it is a threat to physical and/or psychological wellbeing (Australian Psychological Society , n.d.).  The APS describes the symptoms of trauma as falling into four categories; physical, cognitive, behavioural and emotional, and can include such things as excessive alertness, disturbed sleep, intrusive thoughts and memories of the event, nightmares, social isolation and withdrawal and anxiety and panic. These are considered normal reactions to trauma, provided they are not too severe and don’t last too long (Australian Psychological Society , n.d.). Other psychological effects of IPSV can include grief reactions, depression and anxiety (McOrmond-Plummer, 2011).

As IPSV is generally chronic in nature there is a greater possibility of developing more than a simple trauma reaction.  Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a common consequence of IPSV (Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006). Classified as an anxiety disorder, PTSD is a traumatic response that lasts for longer than a month and causes significant impairment (Australian Psychological Society , n.d.). It can develop after experiencing or witnessing events that pose a severe threat to physical and/or psychological wellbeing, such as serious accidents, natural disasters and interpersonal violence such as physical and sexual assaults (Herman, 2001). Symptoms of PTSD fall into three categories; hyper-arousal; intrusion or re-experiencing; and constriction or avoidance and are similar to, although more severe than, the symptoms of a normal traumatic reaction.

Hyper-arousal symptoms are the result of the mind and body being constantly on alert for danger. In a hyper-aroused state a person “startles easily, reacts irritably to small provocations and sleeps poorly.” (Herman, 2001, p. 35)  At the time of the traumatic event these are physiologically based reactions that try to protect a person from danger. Intrusion symptoms include flashbacks, which may include a feeling of re-experiencing the traumatic event physically and/or emotionally or may take the form of a movie or soundtrack in the mind, nightmares, and intrusive memories of the trauma (Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006).

I have had one ‘flashback’ and it was what lead me to counselling two months ago. It was so vivid and so terrifying. (Adair)

I have a mild form of flashback. I don’t think or feel that I’m there, but I can see myself on that night as though I was watching it on TV. (Emma)

During the course of day-to-day living, I have recurring memories of the assaults. There are some things you just can’t run from, and one of these is your memory. (Jennifer)

(Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006, pp. 137-138)

 Constriction or avoidance symptoms can be likened to an animal freezing when caught in the headlights of a car. Perceptions can be distorted, pain and emotions numbed and the sense of time altered. There may be a feeling of not being real or of watching events rather than being a part of them, of being dissociated (Herman, 2001).

A rape survivor describes this detached state: “I left my body at that point. I was over next to the bed, watching this happen. . . I dissociated from the helplessness. I was standing next to me and there was just this shell on the bed. . . . There was just a feeling of flatness. I was just there. When I repicture the room, I don’t picture it from the bed. I picture it from the side of the bed. That’s where I was watching from.”

(Herman,  2001, p. 43)

Like hyper-arousal symptoms, constriction and dissociation at the time of trauma are defence mechanisms aimed at protecting the person from enduring the full emotional force of the traumatic event (Herman, 2001).

Judith Lewis Herman suggest that traumatic reactions need to be “understood as a spectrum of conditions rather than a single disorder” (2001, p. 119), and that this spectrum ranges from brief stress reactions that resolve without intervention, to Acute Stress Disorder and PTSD, to what she calls complex-PTSD, which encompasses a “complex syndrome of prolonged, repeated trauma.” (2001, p. 119) She outlined seven categories she believed needed to be met for a diagnosis of C-PTSD. Both the American Psychiatric Association and the International Classification of Diseases are developing entries for their next diagnostic volumes to cover C-PTSD, although both have chosen different names (disorder of extreme stress not otherwise specified and personality change from catastrophic experience, respectively) (Herman, 1992).

Further adding to the trauma of IPSV is what has been termed secondary wounding (Women's Health Goulburn North East, 2008).  This is emotional wounding by others outside the relationship, and can be based in ignorance, the acceptance of stereotyped beliefs about rape and domestic violence, religious beliefs, and denial. It can range from people declaring that anyone who doesn’t leave a violent relationship gets what they deserve, to being told that divorce is a sin, to people saying that there is no such thing as rape within intimate relationships. It can even include those who make friendship or support for the victim contingent on their help being accepted then and there, regardless of the feelings of the victim. Secondary wounding can come from friends, family, clergy and professionals. It has the effect of further silencing victims, and making them doubt themselves and their perceptions (Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006; Women's Health Goulburn North East, 2008).

PERPETRATORS:

There is little information available about the men who perpetrate IPSV, and most of what is available is taken from the victim’s point of view. The only article accessed that surveyed potential perpetrators of IPSV, a cross-sectional study conducted in Cape Town, South Africa, found that 209 (15.3%) of 1386 men surveyed reported forcing or attempting to force a partner to have sexual intercourse at some time in the previous five years (Abrahams, Jewkes, Hoffman, & Laubsher, 2004). The study looked at a wide range of variables in the men, including drug and alcohol use, gang affiliation, and exposure to violence during childhood. It also included partner variables, such as why there was conflict over sexual relations. In contrast to most other studies this one looked at the victim from the perpetrators’ point of view, rather than the other way around (Abrahams, Jewkes, Hoffman, & Laubsher, 2004).

As a part of their study, Finkelhor and Yllo interviewed three men who admitted to raping their wives (1985). They commented on the men’s unassuming manner and appearance, indicating the depth of the societal myth that rapists look somehow different to ‘normal’ men.  Of one they said “He was, in fact, such a nice, average guy that after meeting him it was much easier to say with conviction that almost any husband can be a rapist.” (Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985, p. 70) While these interview subjects were perhaps atypical, with none being chronic batterers and all expressing remorse over their actions, each of them spoke freely of their desire to dominate their partner sexually, and of using sex as a punishment, which differs from Finkelhor and Yllo’s own typology of a force-only rapist (Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985). And, on probing, the remorse of at least one comes across as superficial:

I guess I felt some shame when I looked down on the floor and saw her sobbing. But I knew she wasn’t physically hurt. After that she wouldn’t let me into the bedroom, and she called me every name in the book. I’m not proud of it, but, damn it, I walked around with a smile on my face for three days. You could say, I suppose, that I raped her.

(“Ross”, cited in Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985, p. 66)

The fact that the partner rapists were of normal appearance was a point worth noting by Finkelhor and Yllo is in contrast with how the women in the Raped by a Partner report described their rapist partners. The perpetrators were described as very diverse, with employment patterns ranging from unemployment to being highly employed and active in the community (Women's Health Goulburn North East, 2008). Some of the men fit the violent stereotype but others didn’t. At least two men were described by their victims as pillars of the community:

He is [his name] a councillor, in Rotary, a [name of award] fellow. Citizen of the Year a few years ago. (Elizabeth)

[He] was the district governor for [named service organisation]. (Sandie)

(Women's Health Goulburn North East, 2008, p. 39)

The report found that most women believed that their rapist partners would not see their actions as rape or sexual assault, even though many of the reported assaults were extreme in their level of both physical and sexual violence. Instead the women believe that the perpetrator would believe that sex is their right as a husband, that it is the woman’s fault, that it was normal, or that he couldn’t help himself because of his sexual urges (Women's Health Goulburn North East, 2008).

 Easteal and McOrmond-Plummer have drawn together research that shows that the mindset of partner rapists is remarkably similar to that of stranger rapists. By comparing the interviews with convicted stranger rapists conducted by Nicholas Groth, and those conducted by Finkelhor and Yllo of admitted partner rapists, they were able to show how the words of the men were strikingly similar in several areas; power, anger/retaliation, insecurity/sense of inadequacy, sexual arousal through causing pain/fear, a preference for coercive sex, and a sense of entitlement (Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006). Other research has shown that men who physically batter their female partners are more likely to rape them than men who do not. Their violence tends to start earlier in the relationship and is more severe, and they are more likely to have been using alcohol or drugs around the time of being violent. These men are more likely to want sex after being violent, perhaps as a means of reconciliation, assault their partner when they are pregnant, and be more dominant in the home (Russell, 1982).

As a part of her study Diana Russell developed a typology of husbands in regards to wife rape. She found that they fell into five different categories; those who prefer rape to consensual sex, those who enjoy both rape and consensual sex, husbands who prefer consensual sex but are willing to rape/attempt rape if their sexual advances are rebuffed, those who might like to rape but don’t act on their desires, and those with no desire to rape (Russell, 1982). While the husband-rapists were not the focus of the study, and a psychological profile of a wife rapist could not be developed, some information regarding their social characteristics was collected. It showed that there was no group that stood out in regards to age, education, occupation or household income (Russell, 1982), indicating that Finkelhor and Yllo were right when they said that the men they interviewed were just average guys (Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985).

In his book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, author Lundy Bancroft discusses abusive men and sex, laying out the beliefs of the abusive men he has worked with in batterer’s programs (2002). The portrait he paints is of a self-involved man who expects sex to meet his emotional needs; he prides himself on his prowess, with bringing his partner to orgasm being a sign of how good he is, rather than a desire to give her pleasure.  She owes him sex and he decides how long is too long between sexual encounters. He believes he is the sexual victim, with his partner withholding sex as a way of controlling him. He depersonalises and dehumanises his partner, seeing her as a sex object, like women in pornography. And he sees sex as a cure-all, a way of gaining perceived forgiveness after physical battery (Bancroft, 2002). Bancroft believes that pornography fits the mindset of the abusive man well. It depersonalises and dehumanises women, reducing them to body parts. It sets unrealistic expectations of sex, of women, and of the role in violence in sex, and it can be used as a means to break down the limits and boundaries of his victim (Bancroft, 2002).

BARRIERS:

Researchers generally agree that prevalence statistics, as horrifying as they are, under report the problem of IPSV (Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006; Heenan, 2004; Russell, 1982; Weingourt, 1985). One possible reason for the under reporting of IPSV is the lack of ability to identify the experience as sexually assaultive, by both victims and those who come into contact with them in a professional capacity (Women's Health Goulburn North East, 2008).

It never occurred to me that those things he did could be considered sexual abuse or rape.

(Hite, 2009)

A failure by victims to identify their IPSV experiences as sexually assaultive may have many causes. The victim may be sexually inexperienced or have only experienced abusive sex in their life (e.g. child sexual assault). Like many in the community they may have subscribed to stereotypical beliefs about what constitutes ‘real’ rape, and who ‘real’ rape victims and perpetrators are. Or it may be a psychological defence mechanism that allows them to deny the reality of their experiences (Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006).

I sipped my coffee, lit another cigarette and said, ‘That did not happen. That never happened’ (Linda)

(Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006, p. 111)

It is often not until a relationship has ended and the victim is safe that they can allow themselves to acknowledge the reality of what was done to them (Women's Health Goulburn North East, 2008). Professionals may also have difficulties in identifying clients who are experiencing IPSV, or have done so in the past. They are, of course, subject to exposure to the same rape myths and beliefs as victims, perpetrators and others in the community, so may hold the same stereotypical beliefs as mentioned previously.

One way for professionals to identify IPSV is to ask about it. Raquel Kennedy Bergen found that many services for women who are escaping from intimate partner violence do not routinely ask about sexual abuse (1996). Other researchers have commented that how the question is phrased can make a difference in identifying IPSV. For example, asking a woman directly if she has been raped by her partner may illicit denials, especially if the woman herself has not identified the experience as rape. However, by asking more indirect questions, such as ‘Have you ever felt forced into sexual activity with your partner?’ or ‘Does your partner do sexual things that make you feel uncomfortable?’ professionals and researchers may open the door to disclosure, even if the victim doesn’t identify the behaviour as sexually assaultive. In some of the seminal studies on IPSV the word rape is not used at all in the initial survey questions, with the term ‘forced sex’ seems to be commonly used instead (Bergen, 1996; Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985; Russell, 1982).

Women’s Health Goulburn North East, in their report Raped by a Partner offer a list of service recommendations for professionals who may come into contact with victims of IPSV, such as counsellors, general practitioners and domestic violence workers, which can assist in the identification and disclosure of IPSV. They suggest that women be asked directly if they are safe in their relationship and, if IPSV is disclosed, it is named as rape or sexual assault, and the woman is given contact details for police as well as sexual assault and domestic violence services. They also recommend following up the issue on subsequent meetings (Women's Health Goulburn North East, 2008). 

RAPE MYTHS AND SOCIAL PERCEPTIONS:

Myths about rape victims and perpetrators reflect commonly held beliefs about who ‘real’ victims and perpetrators are and what ‘real’ rape is. The more an example differs from what is considered to be ‘real’ rape the less likely a victim is to be believed and receive widespread social support (Regehr & Glancy, 1993). Despite extensive research showing that the majority of rape victims know their attacker (Australian Bureau of Statistics, 2004), and come from all walks of life, ‘real’ rape victims are still seen as virtuous, virginal attractive young women who do not drink or use drugs, are dressed modestly, who bear visible injuries from co-occurring physical violence, and strongly resisted the attack (Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006). ‘Real’ rape victims seek immediate medical assistance, report the crime to the police straight away, and submit to the full range of evidence and forensic examination. The more a victim deviates from the ideal of a ‘real’ rape victim the more responsibility for their victimisation is placed on their shoulders. Due to the dynamic involved in their sexual assault, victims of IPSV match few criteria for being ‘real’ rape victims.

Rape by intimates is also subject to myths. Some of these are common to all intimate partner violence, and others specific to IPSV. Beliefs common to IPSV and other types of intimate partner violence include such things as if victims didn’t like the violence they would leave the relationship after the first incident, women provoke good men into assaulting them, and that women routinely fabricate claims of intimate partner violence to punish their male partners by depriving them of access to any children and being given the lion’s share of financial and material assets in divorce proceedings (Flood, 2010). The most common myth specific to IPSV is perhaps the one that says that it is less damaging than other types of rape, something that has consistently been shown to be false (Bennice & Resick, 2003; Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985; Heenan, 2004).

It has been shown that marital rape has a high rate of social acceptance in comparison to rape by a stranger or acquaintance (Monson, Langhinrichsen-Rohling, & Binderup, 2000). Monson, Langhinrichsen-Rohling and Binderup’s study into attributions about date and marital rape found that the longer the duration of a relationship, and the greater level of pre-existing intimacy, the more accepting survey participants were of forced sex and rape within the relationship (Monson, Langhinrichsen-Rohling, & Binderup, 2000). In another, study participants were asked to rate the seriousness of IPSV with and without a history of co-occurring physical violence. It was found that, where there was no history of physical violence between intimates, survey participants viewed IPSV as less serious than when there was, and that they “made the most rape supportive and victim blaming attributions” (Langhinrichsen-Rohling & Monson, 1998, p. 440) with regards to such situations. However, some caution must be taken in applying these findings as the survey participants were all college students and may not be representative of the wider community.

THE IPSV SERVICE GAP:

IPSV is a dynamic of both domestic violence and sexual assault. It contains elements of both but does not fit the description of either one alone. It is for this reason that victims of IPSV tend to fall into a gap in services between those provided by domestic violence services and those of sexual assault organisations, and may feel as though neither type of service is willing or able to fully fill their specific needs (Bergen, 1996; Hite, 2009; McOrmond-Plummer, 2008).

Raquel Kennedy Bergen found that there is a general reluctance by many domestic violence and sexual assault services to address IPSV (1996). In her study of services in both types of organisation she revealed that domestic violence services tend to see “IPSV as simply another abuse” (McOrmond-Plummer, 2008, p. 6) and that some workers deliberately avoided asking about sexual abuse as they were unsure of their ability to assist victims and were afraid of the emotional fallout. Some organisations had policies to send victims of IPSV to sexual assault services as they did not believe it was their issue to deal with.  However the rape crisis centre examined by Bergen was also not prepared to take ownership of the issue, with IPSV victims routinely referred to domestic violence services for assistance (Bergen, 1996). In any case, she does not believe that generic domestic violence or sexual assault services or support groups are sufficient for IPSV victims, a view supported by activist, author and IPSV survivor Louise McOrmond-Plummer and others.

This is borne out by my own experience of membership in a generic rape survivor group. There simply wasn’t the space to explore my specific issues such as ambivalent feelings for the perpetrator and the deep shame of having continued the relationship after being raped by him. This led to a deeper sense of isolation and sense that my experiences didn’t matter quite as much as those of other women.

(McOrmond-Plummer, 2008, p. 5)

I am still trying to find a “place” within the system where I feel I belong. The domestic violence groups I have attended have mentioned sexual abuse only in passing, without acknowledging the particular issues related to IPSV. The local sexual assault service I was referred to refused to accept me as a client as I was still in the relationship and being subjected to abuse. ...But I still find myself looking for that “place” to belong as I negotiate my healing journey, for a label that covers what I went through.

(Hite, 2009)

While it can be seen that some organisations are cognisant of the needs of IPSV victims and are developing IPSV specific programs, such as the one developed by the Washington Coalition of Sexual Assault Programs (Washington Coalition of Sexual Assault Programs, 2011), there is no evidence found to show the level of uptake of such programs by service providers. This is despite the fact that research over time has consistently discussed the specific needs of IPSV victim in comparison to those of non-sexual abuse by intimates and non-intimate sexual assault (Bergen, 1996; Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985; Russell, 1982).

POSSIBLE FUTURE RESEARCH DIRECTIONS:

Much of the literature related to IPSV covers the same small group of sub-topics, leaving large areas unexplored, to the potential detriment of service professionals and victims alike. Some areas of possible future research include contraception and reproductive coercion, IPSV in the absence of other physical violence, and staying in the relationship.

Reproductive coercion as a part of intimate partner violence and IPSV is a relatively new area of research, with a small but growing body of peer-reviewed and non-academic literature. The various ways that perpetrators control contraception and reproductions, pregnancy from rape by an intimate and the effect of pregnancy on IPSV, and comparisons between forced contraception and contraceptive refusal/sabotage are all topics that could be considered in this area.

The topic of IPSV without co-occurring violence has appeared in the research since Diana Russell’s ground breaking study published in 1982 (Russell, 1982). Termed ‘force-only rape’ by Finkelhor and Yllo, it has been considered less damaging than battering rape, and potentially due to or preceded by sexual conflict rather than being a part of a wider pattern of abusive behaviour (Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985). Yet victim accounts show a high level of distress and confusion about the IPSV, and trying to ascertain where their experiences fit in the overall pictures of IPSV, domestic violence and sexual assault (for example, see Hite, 2009). It would also be interesting to compare the perceptions of victims of IPSV without co-occurring violence with those who are battered and raped as to which service they identify with more; domestic violence or sexual assault. Given that 1-10% of IPSV victims report no co-occurring physical battery, further research in this area could benefit a significant cohort of victims, as well as those who provide services for them.

One area of IPSV that has received little attention is that of women who stay in a relationship with their rapist-partner and why. While for many the answer may relate to an inability to identify experiences as IPSV as discussed earlier, or balancing the known problem of IPSV against the unknown of leaving the relationship, it must be considered that for some women staying in the relationship can be done safely, with no further abuse, if the perpetrator is prepared to accept responsibility for his actions and act to change. There is some discussion of this topic in the non-academic literature aimed at victims (Easteal & McOrmond-Plummer, 2006; McOrmond-Plummer, 2011), and it could be of benefit to victims and service providers if further research was done in this area.

Other research that may be of assistance to victims and service providers is an examination of IPSV specific programs. It may encourage service providers to consider running such programs if there was evidence showing that such programs have a demonstrable benefit to victims, particularly if compared to generic domestic violence and sexual assault psychoeducational programs and support groups.

CONCLUSION:

Intimate Partner Sexual Violence is a serious social problem affecting 10-14% of women who have ever been married or in a long term co-habiting relationship (Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985; Russell, 1982). It is a highly gendered form of violence with female victims of male intimate far out numbering male victims of female partners (Heenan, 2004). Research spanning thirty years demonstrates how much is known about IPSV while highlighting issues such as the lack of a commonly used definition, and how varying survey design and parametres can make it difficult to find a completely accurate prevalence estimate. Despite this, prevalence rates have remained consistent across time and location. The findings on the effects of IPSV have also remained consistent, with researchers pointing out the severe short and long term effects of this kind of victimisation.

Exploring thirty years of literature on IPSV, and listening to the voices of the victims found therein, offers the opportunity to examine what is known, and consider possible future directions for research. While a lot has been learned since the seminal studies of Russell, Finkelhor and Yllo, and Bergen, there is still a lot to learn about the sexual abuse of women by their male intimate partners, and how best to help victims heal from this type of victimisation.

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